October 3, 2008

My heart breaks

My best friends mother passed away this morning...

My heart breaks for my friend as she deals with this terrible loss and helps her two small children deal with it as well.

I have known her for twenty years or so and at a point in my life her mom was almost a second mother to me. I spent many summers with their family and even after we lost touch for 4 or 5 years, we were still able to jump right back in to our friendship and sense of family. Growing up, her mother was someone that I truly enjoyed being around, she was strong, beautiful, and had a good heart. While daughter and mother had a twisted relationship..and they always have...they still loved each other. Even recently now that my friend has two small children of her own, they could still be absolutely furious with each other and then go shopping a few days later. A love/hate relationship definitely described them. I remember a photo of her mother when I was younger that made me think she was one of the most beautiful people in the world. And when I was over there, she treated me as a daughter and made me feel so much at ease when things in my life were turned upside down.

She loved her kids the best way she knew how. It wasn't always what they needed or how they needed it, but she did love them. Recent revelations have put a little bit of a different perspective on the relationships she held with them and those in their lives, and some of those things are going to cause some anger later on. I wish I could help my friend and her brother through this, however I know that they must each take it one day at a time.

My friends daughter, who is 4, looked at her and asked "why are you sad that grandma went to be with Jesus? Doesn't that mean that she isn't sick anymore and she feels better?" It was in that question that I realized that our children see things so clearly and so simply... She has such an innocence about her that she doesn't know all the things that have happened over the years, all the fights, all the harsh words that were between many people...and she doesn't need to. All she needs to know is that Grandma is with Jesus and she isn't sick anymore.

My wish for my friend and her family is that they can find some peace through all of this and know that no matter what, they were loved...even if it didn't feel like it sometimes.

I sit here and I try my hardest to keep it together...i'm at work, so it's probably not great that I break out in tears. I need to be strong for my friend. I also need to tell my kids tonight...that is going to hurt. At one point The Boy decided that he was going to do a car wash to raise money and donate it to the American Lung Cancer Society...he makes my heart smile knowing that he is so incredibly compassionate. The Boy and The Girl both made get well cards...it broke my heart because I was not able to tell them at the time that she wasn't going to get well. I want to go home and hold them all and tell them how much I love them and how proud I am of them.

As I type this, Josh Groban plays in the background and it makes my heart break. My heart breaks for sadness they will feel as the days and weeks go on, it breaks for those two sweet kids who will not truly understand all that is happening, my heart breaks as a small chapter in my life ends.

My heart breaks....

all my love