so busy

It's funny. I am dreading an upcoming surgery. I mean REALLY dreading it. It's not that its a big deal, its just that I am really stressed about being down for so long and really about being the center of attention. I have this horrible image of people just sitting and staring. I'm so uncomfortable with people coming to visit me. Maybe it's because i'm vain. I'm still trying to figure out how to get my makeup done every morning. I wonder if i can just rock the ponytail for two weeks. Surely no one will notice....right?

But on the flip side. I'm exhausted right now. I mean really exhausted. I am a little excited about getting to sleep and really do nothing for at least a solid week. Two weeks before i can drive...and as independent as I am...that sounds WONDERFUL.

Life has been crazy as usual...when is my life not.

but i am blessed to have an amazing family and a great group of friends who constantly build me up and keep me chugging along. I have a rockstar husband who has been amazing and just cleaned the entire house for me while i was gone on a business trip. I know he did it to earn some brownie points...but I also know he did it so I wouldn't have to worry about it while I am down. I am blessed!! that is for sure!

Just breathe...

So...have I ever told you that I have a weird body? Trust me, it's freakin weird. The latest fun trip to the dr. has shown a stupid lump/bump in the bladder wall. Big deal...didn't seem like it. Oh, you want to remove it? OK sure. Laser surgery is great nowadays...Oh, no laser sugery? You want to do in patient open surgery?? what is that? You want to open my belly? Uh, no thanks. We will just resume regular programming. It's been there for 31 years....it's fine. Yes i realize it made me bleed and deal with clots...but, really, i'm sure its fine. No? You can't just leave it there? Crap. OK fine. So, let's see...September is next month and there is a wedding at the end of the month, two weddings in October...and don't forget about family sessions that are getting ready to get out of control for Christmas cards...OK, well, can we just wait until January or February? No...hmmm? Crap! Ok, so let's see...just tell me how long i'll be down and I'll just book out some time out of my schedule and we will just knock this out. 2-3 weeks....WTH? uh...no thank you! Ok wait, how long am I going to be in the hospital? 2-3 days. Freakin Great! Well....how long is the incision going to be?? 4-5 inches. WHAT??? 4-5 inches??? Do you know that I am not a big person? I think they cut babies out of smaller holes than that!!! Ok...just breathe...this is all going to work out.

Hmmmm....can he do a tummy tuck while he's already working down there? At least that will seem like it was worth the effort? No? He's just a uroligist not a plastic surgeon? Well, can't he just pull it back together really tight????


Stupid body!!!!!!

.

Bad start to a kid free weekend

Let me just start by saying, i have the best husband in the world! So kind and patient and when I ruined the first weekend of our kid free week...he didn't show his dissappointment at all. I love him.

To keep a long story short...i have yet another bladder infection, and possibly something else. I won't go into the yucky details...but suffice it to say - all the fun that should be had while being kid free...is officially off limits for at least the first 1/2 of the week.

DISLIKE

The Boy

I've done a lot of writing about The Girl recently...The Boy is pretty easy right now. I say that with bated breath. With these two, you just never know what is right around the corner.

Today is his athletic physical. I told him I was taking him when I scheduled his last dr. appt last week when he had bronchitis. I heard him ask The Man if he could take off on Wednesday (today). I asked him later why he asked and he said "Because mom, i'm getting my physical."

Well dude...if you think i'm staying in the room for that...you have got another thing coming!! Thanks but no thanks! I get to handle The Girl's stuff...and The Man gets to figure out your stuff...i'm just the driver today.

It's official

The Girl...is on her way to not being a LITTLE girl anymore. We took both hooligans in for their checkups and I asked about the hairy armpits issue...

After taking a closer look, the dr said we should see her start her period with a year. A year??? are you serious?? A year? She's 9 freakin' years old... You must be joking me!

She recommends that we put a pad in her backpack just in case...all the while The Girl is looking like she could just die at the moment...not because we are talking about periods and puberty...nope, she's mortified because "she touched my boobies!"

yeah, it apparently escaped her attention that the dr. also took a peak at the downstairs area.

So we got home and I the fun job of telling her about periods and the differences between boys puberty and girls puberty. She asked lots of questions...LOTS of questions.

But you know what, by the end of the conversation...she wasn't freaked outby it, she wasn't nervous, she was just very matter of fact by it all. It was pretty neat. She is definately growing up!

I'm just hoping we are looking more at the END of the year timetable...

Summer Vacation??

We are going on a summer vacation starting tomorrow morning (Saturday) and lasting until...Sunday evening. Woo Hoo! We are party animals :)

We got invited to go down to San Antonio for the weekend. This is the weekend the Dallas Cowboys have training camp and it is open to the public. The boys are going to LOVE IT!! Us girls...well, I think we might do some window shopping. Lord knows the budget doesn't allow for real shopping :(

It will be fun, none of us have ever been to San Antonio so maybe it will be a teaser of a future (longer) vacation.

We are sharing a room with another couple...6 people in one room...should be interesting.

Wish me luck!

I came across a picture on Facebook today of someone who changed my life forever. It's funny how something can spark a memory and take you back to a certain time and place. Make you become obsessed with finding more information. Make you want to...well, destroy everything they have. Make you not want to be a better person.

I am completely sick to my stomach right now and don't know how to shake these feelings.

So I will focus on the good in my life. Focus on the things I have overcome and know that I survived.

I love my husband and my family. I am truly blessed with the things I have in my life.

..

kinda weird

It's kinda weird right now. I almost feel as though maybe the medication isn't working. I feel myself wanting to do nothing but sleep. I feel myself drawing inward. Nothing spectacular is going on right now that has me extra overwhelmed....I'm just really sleepy.

Problem here is that I can't take a whole pill to try to combat this problem...because well a whole pill makes me sleepy. See the problem?

Perhaps all of this is because our favorite monthly guest is about to make an appearance...who knows. Maybe this is just my hormones running amuck and the medicine is doing it's best.

Good news...i'm not a crabby crazy lunatic. So I guess its working. Now...I think i might crawl under my desk and take a little cat nap.

Hairy...

OMG...my kids are hairy. I mean gross kinda hairy!

The Boy has hair "everywhere" and has for a while now, but ugh! I'm not ready for that.

To make matters worse...The Girl...has started to get hair under her armpits. GROSS!!!! EWWWWWW!!! She's only 9?!?!?!!? Really? So now I have to figure out when she is supposed to start shaving. That is just crazy scary.

She finally noticed it this weekend....she's amused by it. Her dad is a little bothered that we are closely coming up on this stage of her life...

WHOA!! April 29....i'm a bad blogger

Holy moly i'm a bad blogger. Ok, let's update and get this show on the road

It's been two months since I started this medicine...and I feel like a normal person. Well, I feel like what I think a normal person might feel like.

The good side: I don't feel stressed out, I don't feel like a lunatic, I have a LOT more patience with everyone, I guess the best way to describe me now is...eh, whatever. I'm not a zombie or drifting along in a fog...I just really don't care one way or the other. It really is kinda nice, because now when the hooligans are loud and obnoxious, I just kinda watch them and laugh with them. The Man is now the one that does most of the yelling at them. It's kinda nice not being the one that flips out all the time. Not that he flips out, he just gets aggravated...and I don't :)

The bad side: The medicine makes me very sleepy. A whole pill makes me struggle to stay awake and I yawn all day long, but is GREAT for the appetite control. A 1/2 a pill doesn't make me sleepy but doesn't curb my appetite either. So as the doctor says, 1/2 dozen one way 6 the other. I guess you have to pick your battles right?

I love it. I sleep better. I feel better. I think better. Good grief...so this is what it feels like huh?


The kids are already so incredibly bored staying at home this summer...so i think that we might try the library this weekend and the arts and crafts store...i refuse to buy anymore games...their brains are turning to mush.

We have spent most weekends out by the pool or over at someone else's house by the pool. It's freakin HOT in Texas...that's really the only place to be :)

Photography is picking up again for the summer...I have already booked a few weddings and the family portraits and senior portraits are starting to pick up as well. Busy Busy girl!!

Just to remember

I am writing this to remember. To remember where I am right now, emotionally. I want to look back and see if I was able to change anything in the coming months. This is for me...to document how I feel at this moment....this day...this place in my life.

I am in love with my husband (just fyi, i don't want this to change unless it is for the better). I am frustrated with my kids at times. I loose my temper fast. I cry. Alot. I feel as though the water continues to rise and I might just slip under and I fear that I might not be able to get back to the top. Our life is crazy right now...but being honest, our life is always crazy. We are always busy. We never have enough money...but being honest, even when we were making MUCH more than we are now, we still didn't have enough money. I am stressed out. I am exhaused. I am overwhelmed...and sometimes by nothing in particular. I want to sleep..ALL THE TIME. Partially, because we are so busy...partially because I just want it all to go away. I am angry. I am sad. But not all the time. I love my life and the people that drift in and out. I want more. I want less. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful that he has found a job that excites him every day. I am frustrated that some people in my life don't contribute to their families. I am frustrated that I can't solve the problems of the world. I am dissappointed in my parenting abilities. I am scared that I have not equipped my kids to make good decisions and be good people. I am proud of who they are right now, even with the bad decisions. I get my feelings hurt so easily. I am sad that my friends don't seem to value our friendship the way I do. I hate that I don't have time to devote to everyone like I would like. I am scared that my marriage will ultimately fail one day. I am tired. I am blessed to have a passion that excites me and a husband that fully supports me in this adventure. I am thankful for the support people in my life that send me texts when i need them the most that say "love you". I am thankful for the friends that I haven't spoken to in months that stop to chat with me while I sit and cry at my computer. I am so glad I have people in my life that reach out at very unexpected times. I miss my best friend. I am sad that this is where our road has led us. I pray that the road connects again at some point in our life. I wish I was better at remembering birthdays. I miss not being able to talk to my husband during the day. I am so very thankful that he is my best friend and partner in this crazy life. I want to be a better person, mother, friend, wife, sister, daughter, and niece. I want to rule the world. I want to cry. I want to close my eyes and open them and see nothing but positive things. I want to win the lottery. I want my children to love me. I want to better than I am. I want to continue to learn new things. I want to continue to grow in everything I do. I want everyone to like me. I want to not always have a brave face in front of everyone. I want to not have to fake that everything is right with the world. I want peace in my life and my inner being.

I took a step today towards working on myself and maybe getting thru this...I don't know what this is. But today is a beginning...and I will just take it one day, one step at a time.



If you are reading this, thank you for reading this, but please don't comment on it.

This is just for me. To get it all out. To remember who I am today and hopefully look back one day and know that I was able to become a better person. I share it here because it is a relatively safe place... and i really enjoy writing here.

Everything in our life leads us to where we are and shapes us into the people we will become...this is one tiny part of my journey and I just wanted to express it in words so that one day I will know that I am continuing to move forward in my journey.

Inspiration

Do you ever wonder if you inspire someone else?

I do...

I have a couple of peope that inspire me every day to be a better person. I look at a couple of them and we are the same age, or really close to it, and I wonder if someone thinks I am as great as I think they are.

Family doesn't count...you have to say nice things and encourage. So for those of you that are reading this - thank you for believing in me...I love you very much.

But sometimes...I look at someone and wonder how have they already accomplished so much...and I feel as though I will never be as great as they are...or maybe as great as I think I want to be.

I'm not having a pity party, so please don't think that is what this post is about. It's just that sometimes, someone takes my breath away by the amazing things they are doing...and just wonder if anyone every thinks the same way about me.



A side note: The Girl thinks i smell like pop tarts....


I guess it could be worse.

VOTE FOR ME!! PLEASE?

Hi everyone, could you please go vote for me? I’m trying to win a contest to go to Miami to work with a great photographer on a shoot for two days.

Please? Pretty please?? Yes…I’m shamelessly begging you J

There is a radial button next to each entry, just click the button and then scroll down and vote.

{Brooke Lowther MaddiePie}

http://www.kristenweaverblog.com/workshops/photofusion-2010-in-miami-voting-now-open/

Because I want to...

Because I want to...isn't ever a good enough reason... and I know that.

Life get's in the way and there will always be enough time to do the things that you really want to do.

But dangit! I want to.

Stress

Stress does funny things. Some people deal with stress on the outside...mine, well i internalize it all. It's just a lot easier to not show it on the outside, plus...who likes to hear someone whine all the time... I don't. I don't mind listening to someone when they have a problem, but when nothing positive EVER comes out...well, I just figure you're probably not doing a whole lot to try to find solutions...whatever - not what this post is about.

When I internalize my stress...{it doesn't even have to be bad stress, sometimes it's just busy stress, trying to remember to get everything done and make sure a ball doesn't get dropped} my body starts freaking out a little bit. Today...that means my skin hurts. It's kinda like shingles in that it affects my nerve endings. And today...my face hurts {yeah, i know...it's killing you too}. So, fortunately for me, I found the medicine I have and also found i have a couple of refills that will expire in may - better get one of those called in.

Update on the budget - we busted it on the household things...but I am still monitoring it and will readdress it at the end of the month and see what needs to be adjusted. :(

Darn budget. Darn Stress.

Proud Wife

The last several months have been in a state of chaos. We have hit as close to rock bottom financially as I EVER care to get. We have been stressed out over jobs and life in general. We have fought, we have cried, we have thrown our hands up in despair.

But through it all, I can tell you that I have always been a proud wife. I am proud of the man I married for continuing to do what it takes to make our family work. There was a time at the end of last year that The Man decided he could no longer go without a job. He started calling the local restaurants to see if he could wait tables, do dishes...clean toilets. He was willing to do whatever it took to bring in the money we needed to make ends meet. I am proud of him for recognizing that sometimes it's not about what we want to do, but what we need to do.

He took a job that was a 60% pay cut and huge hit to his pride. But he understood that what mattered was that he provided for his family in any manner that he could.

He put his family first...because that is how it should be.

Growing up, The Glass Lady (aka my mom) married a man. A man that when she met him seemed like he had potential. They were both attending a trade school in the evenings, he had a job, and he took an interest in her. I'm not real sure of the timeline for this story, but regardless, he stopped working. Flip a couple of pages and she gets pregnant. Flip another page or two and he decides that he will just stay home with the baby instead of getting another job. Flip a few chapters and he still isn't working...at all. The baby, she is now a little girl. Me...I'm a teenager and about to start my own book. But what I witnessed in this part of my mom's story is what I wouldn't have in my life.

I watched him take over and drain the life out of my mother. I watched as how she slowly pushed away those that were in her life, friends and family, because...well, maybe because she was ashamed of him. Maybe because she was consumed with her love for him and wanted to make him happy. But I watched how because of him not working, made him a hermit. It made him become someone that had no interacation with people outside of the house. It made him angry and mean. It made him mean to her, mean to me...It made her begin to hate him.

Little by little, she resented him, she hated him, she wanted out of this relationship and eventually she escaped.

Was this because he didn't get a job? maybe, maybe not. But I can tell you that as a child in the middle of this and observing. It made me realize that when I grew up there were some things that were non negotiable for me.

My husband must treat me with respect.
My husband must love me unconditionally.
My husband must provide for his family.
My husband must be an active participant in our family.
My husband must be a kind hearted person.

These are the things I learned from my mom.

So now...in my story, several months ago...my husband left his job. We made the decision together. We looked at the facts and situation we were presented with and made a decision that was best for our family. Four months after he left his job...he was still without a job. But he knew that he had to do SOMETHING to start bringing in money. Because for him to sit at home every day and do nothing was absolutely unacceptable.

I sometimes wonder, for someone like the man who married my mother, when does it become ok to not work? What makes it ok to not contribute to your family? What makes it ok to not be an active player in your family?

I won't get biblical...because I don't know it enough to start spouting it off...but I am pretty sure that The Plan was for the husband to provide for his family.

In my world...that doesn't mean that the wife doesn't work and just the man does. In my little world, that means that they both work. They both contribute. It is a partnership. It is a joint effort. Who cares which one of you makes more money? Who cares if you are rich or poor? What does matter??

What matters is that you are doing it together.

Are you a partner in your marriage? Or are you someone that has decided it's ok for the other person to carry the weight of the world...plus your baggage too?

I have watched many people in my life isolate themselves and become the people they swore they would never become. I have watched marriages fall apart because of this. I have watched as children learn to resent their parents for this. I have watched as important people in my life...slowly slip away from the people they are.

But I am proud to tell you...my husband is one of the admirable ones.

My husband treats me with respect.
My husband loves me unconditionally.
My husband provides for his family.
My husband is an active participant in our family.
My husband is a kind hearted person.


I am very blessed and very proud of the person that he is.

And my heart breaks for those that aren't married to their best friend. Life is too short to be married to someone who doesn't support you in everything you do, or treats you in a manner that is unacceptable, or who is just along for the ride.

My wish is that we can all take a step back and re-evaluate what is truly important in our lives. I know that neither The Man or I want to work every day for the rest of our lives...but I also know that we will do what is necessary to have the life that we want, hand in hand.

My wish is that if you are married...you are walking hand in hand with your life partner and taking an active role in the story you are creating. If you aren't...you story isn't done.

Just turn the page and start a new chapter. Life is too short.

Not too bad...not too bad at all

This was the weekend that I decided to see how well I did on my preliminary budget... all in all, I didn't do to bad. We went to the dreaded Walmart and decided to pay for the toiletries and regular household stuff separately from the groceries.

**note to self, next time make two lists so you can conquer and divide.

I had allotted myself $100 for the household stuff for the month and $100 for the weekly groceries.

I came in at $106 for the household stuff and $70 for the weekly groceries. WOO HOO!!

Of course this is just the beginning and there are already some things that we will need to add to the list for the household stuff, but this will at least allow me to keep a running list and then make adjustments to May's budget.

We were checking out and felt very proud of ourselves.

Other than our exciting shopping trip (how lame are we) we had a great weekend. spent time with friends, did softball, worked on the yard...well, kinda. The lawn mower has to be repaired, but that weedeater made a heck of dent in the weeds :)

This week will be busy. I have a pampered chef party Tuesday night, softball practice tuesday and Thursday, I'll pick up the picture orders on Thursday, and retakes on Friday.

Today starts the budget

Today is April 1...the beginning of my budget. Today is the day that I have to track every cotton pickin thing we spend money on. Food is for sure the hardest thing when it comes to spending money. I HATE eating at my desk, it makes the day so long. I hate cooking at home, it's not that I can't...I just hate it. But I am committing to making this work..I really just don't have any other choice :)

My guardian angel...I will send you my budget and then I think at the end of the month, I'll send it to you again and have all the money tracked on their that we spent. Then maybe we can see if I can cut back anywhere else...hopefully that will help keep me accountable.

This program has 7 baby steps.

Step 1: save $1000 to start an emergency fund
Step 2: pay off all debt using the debt snowball
Step 3: 3-6 months expenses in savings
Step 4: invest 15% of income into a retirement fund
Step 5: College Funding
Step 6: Pay off home early
Step 7: build wealth and give

So step 1 is actually going to be easy...just a coincidence, but whatever gets us there..right? I just completed the spring pictures for the little private school I work with and will receive the money next week. So...I am going to immediately, pay the school their commission, set aside taxes, and then fund this $1000 emergency fund.

Then, IF and only if, there is money left over, I am going to catch up some of the things we are behind on.

So wish me luck!!

Preliminary budget - update

OK, so I completed the preliminary budget yesterday and as it stands right now...i have about $180 left over at the end of the month. Woo Hoo!! April will be the first true test as to whether or not we can stick to it. If we can truly stick to it, then I can roll the extra money into one of the debts that is first on the list. I feel really good about this...now to just find the will power to continue to stay strong.

Budget time

Ok, I finished the book last night. It was kinda funny - as I was reading thru it I realized that you are SUPPOSED to read the book like a week or so at a time. They want you to complete certain things before you move on. Whoops! Well, at least now i know the general overview and what should happen along the way. So today...I make a budget. Wish me luck - i'll come back and let you know how that goes.

Thank You Sweet Baby Jesus

He GOT THE JOB!!!!!!

I can honestly say..I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are going to get thru this.

Exhausted

So...exhausted...

I don't have much today as my brain is barely functioning. It's really sad, I am 30 and feel like I am closer to 80.


It's going to be a rough couple of days at work. Just really praying for the weekend to get here at this point.

Oh...and the thing that we aren't speaking about (see post below)...well...it is progressing. They are checking a few things and are moving very quickly. In the financial world, your credit is something they check...let's hope they will see that it was good credit up until 3 months ago.

Making a budget - YUCK

So, one of my guardian angels sent me a book to read. The Financial Peace Planner, by Dave Ramsey. If you know this name, you know that he has done some amazing things in the world of financial budgets and getting people out of debt. I read through the first 3 or 4 chapters yesterday ...and then proceeded to get extremely depressed.

He starts the book by asking several questions and putting yourself in a category.

The Get A-Heads - "You have money left over each month after paying bills, but probably you aren't sure how to invest it. Sometimes you can't explain where the money has gone, and you find yourself saying things like "With what we make and spend, we should be able to save more".

The Currents - "You are living on the edge. You bring home the bacon each month, and you send it right back out. You ahve never been late on a payment, but you can't save."

The Troubled - "Until that unexpected event a few months ago, you were a Current. Now you are in over your head. You are thirty to sixty days delinquent on your credit cards or house or car payments and you have begun to get nasty calls. You have considered debt consolidation or other borrowing tactics just to catch up".

The Desperadoes - "You are probably close to giving up. You have thought about the B word (bankruptcy). Foaming mouthed collection monsters call your home every night during supper to threaten foreclosure on your home. You are several months behind on your car payments, making reposession imminent".

We...are in the Troubled category...although somedays I feel like we are looking down the path of the Desperadoes..

This isn't the worst category to be in, but it is really tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

So I had to put the book down for the night otherwise mommy would have been a nightmare to be around.

But today, i'm reflecting on what I read and what I need to do to get out of this situation. So I am working on our monthly budget. Hmph! there is definately more month than money. We have cut back on several of our bills, are working out payment plans with others, eating at home, taking our lunch, and there still just isn't enough. i really just can't believe we are here...at this place...in this situation, in need of so much help. But, the important thing right now is just trying to figure out how to get through. I have faith that we will make it out to the other side, I really do. I know we will be ok. One day at a time, one bill at a time, one step at a time. So the first step is to make a budget.

I'm not really sure that I will share all the details of our budget..but I will share the progress on here and some of the activities that I am asked to do throughout the book.

To my guardian angel...You are now my accountability partner. The book tells me I need one, so I am appointing it to you. I know, I know...JUST what you need is one more thing. Sorry!

On a positive note...The Man is having a second interview right now. I haven't told anyone because I feel like I jinx it everytime I say something. So if you read this...don't ask. I promise, if he gets the job, i'll tell ya! But I really just can't talk about it for fear that they will offer it to someone else. Or pull his credit...and then not offer it to him. It's funny - we have had great credit for several years now...and after 6 months, it has all gone to pot!

I have spring pictures scheduled at the school this Wednesday - God...please let it go better than the fall...please?!? I could really use this income, it would help us out greatly!

Work is ick right now...it's going to be a long week. A really long week.

Just what I needed

This past weekend was JUST what I needed. The hooligans are in Oklahoma for the week and I had a fabulous engagement photo shoot. The Man and I had a wonderful conversation on the drive back and forth...we just don't get to talk near enough. It reminds me how much I love him and how thankful I am that I am married to my best friend. It also makes me sad for those that are married and don't have this kind of relationship.

We talked a lot about where we are...and where we want to be. What is keeping us here, what is it that we want and need for where we decide to end up. Selfishly...I want the sense of peace and safety that I have when I am there. It is my safe place. I can't really give any other reason other than that. I know it is selfish. I just don't know if it is ok to be selfish on this one yet.

The engagement photo shoot was great. We ate, we drank, we laughed...I made some money!! whoo hoo! for that. I absolutely love it when my client trusts me and believes in me enough to take risks that they normally wouldn't take. We sat in traffic...we walked on a ledge 14 floors up, and sat in mud...I love it! and I love that they trusted me enough to go thru it all.

Lots of laughter was what I needed, that is for sure. Depression is definately something that the women in family struggle with. Some days it is all consuming..but days like yesterday sure do help to keep me afloat. Thinking back over the last several weeks...i think it ties into my monthly cycle as well. I definately hit some of my lowest lows during that two weeks...I went 8 years without having one...and now, I feel like sometimes it is definately making up for lost time. But for now, I am on the upswing...at least today.

Someone made replied to a comment I made on Facebook last week about how positive I was...kinda made me laugh a little, because I definately don't feel very optimistic. I sure try, well, I at least try to pretend I am anyway...

Balance

The last few months have no doubt been some of the hardest...just very emotional. Last night as we finished dinner and were still sitting at the table watching American Idol I started to get emotional..yeah, again. It was then that it hit me that The Man was in a pretty decent mood. I kinda laughed and told him that I was glad we balanced each other out so well. The nights that he is down and moody, I am the cheerleader and the one who tries to find the positive. There are a lot of those nights right now. But the times where I can't hold it together at home...because for some reason it usually happens at work...he is in a decent mood and can help bring me back up out of the things that make me feel like I am drowning.

I am thankful for that.

It takes a village

This last week has definately shown me how much we are loved. We have had some people help us out...some financially, some have given food, some have given a shoulder to cry on, some have found ways to get The Man's resume into some job openings. While it absolutely kills me to accept the help, I know that I have needed to. I know that all I can say is thank you and that I will make plans to repay the kindness when we are back on our feet again.

We have some of the most amazing people in our lives. I am truly blessed to have a village surrounding us that has given what was needed when it seemed as though there was no way to make it thru.

I know that we will come out of this hard time, and some days it is more overwhelming than it seems I can bear, but I also know that I have an amazing group of people in my life that will help me thru...even when I don't know how to ask for it.

While I know that everything will work itself out...somedays its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today is one of those days...well, maybe the last few days have been one of those days, but today it's almost overwhelming. I find myself sitting staring into nothing finding it surreal that we are back in this place. This place where there is just not enough money. I know we put ourselves here, and I know that we have to pay the price, so to speak, to get out of it...but I just can't believe we are here again. I hate that my kids are affected by it. I hate that I have no idea how i'm going to find the money to buy my daughter a birthday present much less for the food for her party. I hate that I couldn't pay for a field trip.

I am thankful that I have little angels that have helped me through and offered to help when I wasn't sure how I was going to get to work the next day because I had no gas money. That angel was kind enough that i managed to get groceries as well.

I am thankful that the electric company is working with us and our electricity won't be turned off tomorrow.

I am thankful that I have a job...and so does he.

but I hate that my kids think we are poor. I hate hate that my son asked if he could do anything to help us raise money. I hate that he went two weeks with no lunch at school because he didn't want to tell me because he was helping to save money.

I am thankful that they are such wonderful little people. I am thankful for the support system we have.

I am trying to be thankful instead of wallow in my sadness and disbelief. I am trying to be positive for all those around me.

I am tired and trying desperately to stay above the water and not let it pull me under

such a horrible blogger

You know...sometimes there are just moments where Life just jumps up and swallows you whole. I think the last few months have definately been in the belly of Life...or something like it.

The Man started working in December, thank goodness for that, but unfortunately it still isn't enough money to pay the bills, much less gas and groceries. I have paid so much to the bank in NSF fees it really is ridiculous...note to self, do NOT ever put all your bills on auto pay again. When your money runs out and your pay days change...they just keep processing everything, even when there is no money...yeah, it's freakin great!

But he is working and that is what matters. He is trying to find his peace with it all and my hope is that he will get there soon. He is getting closer to accepting that we are here for a reason, but he still struggles daily with it. He is capable of so much more, but for whatever reason...here we are. We will get to a better place, just not in the timing that we had laid out :)

The hooligans are doing pretty good. We have our typical attitude melt downs...but for the most part all is well. The Girl turn 9 today. Good grief...I almost have two kids that are in double digits. It really just seems unreal. I asked the man last night if he felt like we were 30...he does. I don't. Although...I did find some gray hairs over the weekend. I'm a little bothered by that.

My work is good, very busy, but it's good. There is definately a renewed spirit around here. I'm also starting to pick up with the photography again, and really feel like this year will be full of greatness. In the meantime, I've started selling The Pampered Chef. I love their products and just figured it was a good way to earn some extra money...now i can just figure out how to book some more parties.

~Back to work...Lots to do. Let's hope, this blog doesn't go neglected for so long this time :)