April 29, 2010

Just to remember

I am writing this to remember. To remember where I am right now, emotionally. I want to look back and see if I was able to change anything in the coming months. This is for me...to document how I feel at this moment....this day...this place in my life.

I am in love with my husband (just fyi, i don't want this to change unless it is for the better). I am frustrated with my kids at times. I loose my temper fast. I cry. Alot. I feel as though the water continues to rise and I might just slip under and I fear that I might not be able to get back to the top. Our life is crazy right now...but being honest, our life is always crazy. We are always busy. We never have enough money...but being honest, even when we were making MUCH more than we are now, we still didn't have enough money. I am stressed out. I am exhaused. I am overwhelmed...and sometimes by nothing in particular. I want to sleep..ALL THE TIME. Partially, because we are so busy...partially because I just want it all to go away. I am angry. I am sad. But not all the time. I love my life and the people that drift in and out. I want more. I want less. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful that he has found a job that excites him every day. I am frustrated that some people in my life don't contribute to their families. I am frustrated that I can't solve the problems of the world. I am dissappointed in my parenting abilities. I am scared that I have not equipped my kids to make good decisions and be good people. I am proud of who they are right now, even with the bad decisions. I get my feelings hurt so easily. I am sad that my friends don't seem to value our friendship the way I do. I hate that I don't have time to devote to everyone like I would like. I am scared that my marriage will ultimately fail one day. I am tired. I am blessed to have a passion that excites me and a husband that fully supports me in this adventure. I am thankful for the support people in my life that send me texts when i need them the most that say "love you". I am thankful for the friends that I haven't spoken to in months that stop to chat with me while I sit and cry at my computer. I am so glad I have people in my life that reach out at very unexpected times. I miss my best friend. I am sad that this is where our road has led us. I pray that the road connects again at some point in our life. I wish I was better at remembering birthdays. I miss not being able to talk to my husband during the day. I am so very thankful that he is my best friend and partner in this crazy life. I want to be a better person, mother, friend, wife, sister, daughter, and niece. I want to rule the world. I want to cry. I want to close my eyes and open them and see nothing but positive things. I want to win the lottery. I want my children to love me. I want to better than I am. I want to continue to learn new things. I want to continue to grow in everything I do. I want everyone to like me. I want to not always have a brave face in front of everyone. I want to not have to fake that everything is right with the world. I want peace in my life and my inner being.

I took a step today towards working on myself and maybe getting thru this...I don't know what this is. But today is a beginning...and I will just take it one day, one step at a time.

If you are reading this, thank you for reading this, but please don't comment on it.

This is just for me. To get it all out. To remember who I am today and hopefully look back one day and know that I was able to become a better person. I share it here because it is a relatively safe place... and i really enjoy writing here.

Everything in our life leads us to where we are and shapes us into the people we will become...this is one tiny part of my journey and I just wanted to express it in words so that one day I will know that I am continuing to move forward in my journey.


Lost. said...

This was a very inspirational post. I like your writing. You sound very honest.


margot said...

sorry need to comment.

its like reading myself. thanks for putting it into words.

Mommaloo said...

Margot - don't every apologize for commenting! I love comments :)