June 4, 2009

my words

Several years ago someone told me that I was cynical. I didn't really know what it meant at the time, but it surely wasn't a good thing. Today I see it very clearly, and I'm not still not sure it's a good thing. I think of myself as a very brutally honest person. Don't ask me my opinion if you don't want to know what I REALLY think. My intention is to never hurt anyone, but if you ask me, you can be certain that you will get how I really feel about it.

I am also a fixer. I NEED to fix things. If you come to me with a problem, I will immediately start brainstorming with you to see how we can best fix this problem. I don't want to sit around and wallow in it with you, because...well...that isn't going to change the situation.

These two things combined have gotten me into trouble over the last year. If you know me, you know that what I say may come out harsh...but you should also know that I would never ever say something to hurt you.

My best friend in the whole wide world just wrote to me yesterday to tell me that some things that I had said the last time we were together really hurt her. I can't say that she shouldn't be hurt, because those are her feelings. What I am frustrated by is that she didn't say anything to me for 6 months about it. Now the damage might be beyond repair.

I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be. I surely am not the only person who says things that come across as hurtful. I know plenty of people have hurt my feelings with their words.

But I don't play games. If I am upset with you over something you said, I know that I have two choices. 1. I can be mad/sad or whatever and confront you about it. Ask why you said what you said and try to understand. OR 2. I can be hurt, know that you have things going on in your life and you possibly didn't mean it the way I perceived it.

I have forgiven people over and over again for words that have hurt me. I continue to try to build on friendships that are long lasting...even though they may not value me in the same way. I do not have enough friends...and I sure don't have any that I can just throw away. Really, can you ever have too many friends. Each person in my life is there for a reason. We may not always be in the same place on our "road" but I still think that every person in my life has contributed to who I am and the person that I continue to grow into.

I think that I expect too much out of people. I expect things...relationships...to be a two way road. Give and Take. I expect that if I listen to your problems and be there for you...you will in turn do that for me. However, I have found that when I am ready to talk to someone...my voice can't be heard. I love being the person that people feel as though they can talk to. And honestly, I probably won't talk about my problems too often...I hate to cry and be vulnerable and I hate to complain. But sometimes, I really just need someone to stop and ask me how I am doing... and really want to hear the answer. Sometimes I need someone to help me brainstorm on the best solution.

I also want those that call themselves friends to be grown up about situations. If I say something that comes across as harsh...or not nice...dammit, I want you to ask me about it. If you know me, you know I would not intentionally hurt your feelings. The more likely situation is that what I was thinking at the time just didn't come out right. Give me the chance to explain what my thoughts were behind the words.

Believe in our friendship enough to know that I love you and I would never want the friendship to suffer...because of what I have said.

I am sorry and I am heartbroken that I have caused someone else to hurt.