September 2, 2009

Perfect People

Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live
and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scared
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

These are the lyrics to a song by Natalie Grant called Perfect People. I was driving home the other day and this song came on. I have heard it several times but today I listened closely to the words. It really hit home.
I am not one to share my feelings, I try really hard not to break down in front of others. I hate to cry. I don't typically vent about my problems to my co-workers unless its about my kids. I never intentionally tried to be this way...I just always figured that me complaining about really didn't make it any better and why would others want to hear me moan and groan.
With everything that is going on in our family's life right now I feel as though I have to be even stronger. I do it naturally. I am the one in any situation that can keep it together. That's my job.
I remember being in high school, pregnant, and in a car wreck and with 3 other girls. I was the calm one. I was the one reassuring everyone. I should have gone to the hospital but I knew my families financial situation and chose to believe that everything would be ok with the baby.
I remember sitting in a hospital bed in the emergency room with my four year old after his head had been busted open. He's screaming and scared to death and I crawled up in the bed with him and held him while the proceeded to stitch up his forehead. I was calm, I was in control.
I'm not always the calm one though, I do have my moments where I really loose it. But I try to keep those to a minimum. I am the friend that you can cry to, complain to, talk it out with. I am the one that is responsible and reliable.
A couple of years ago a girl I worked with told me she admired me because I was so put together and in control of things. She thought I could handle anything. I remember thinking she was absolutely crazy because my life is out of control. I feel like I am a big scrambled mess. What did she mean?? It was then that I realized that I was really good at appearing to have it all under control.
What she didn't know...inside my head, it's a crazy place. It's full of tears and screaming and laughing...and every other emotion you can imagine.
As the song says, There's no such thing as perfect people, and I know this...I don't view myself as perfect, in fact I am the first one to tell you that I am so far from it.
Recent conversations have made me wish I was a better communicator. I wish I relied on others a little more. I want to let down that wall a little bit, really I do...
But what if you don't see me as having it all together...