It takes a village

This last week has definately shown me how much we are loved. We have had some people help us out...some financially, some have given food, some have given a shoulder to cry on, some have found ways to get The Man's resume into some job openings. While it absolutely kills me to accept the help, I know that I have needed to. I know that all I can say is thank you and that I will make plans to repay the kindness when we are back on our feet again.

We have some of the most amazing people in our lives. I am truly blessed to have a village surrounding us that has given what was needed when it seemed as though there was no way to make it thru.

I know that we will come out of this hard time, and some days it is more overwhelming than it seems I can bear, but I also know that I have an amazing group of people in my life that will help me thru...even when I don't know how to ask for it.

While I know that everything will work itself out...somedays its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today is one of those days...well, maybe the last few days have been one of those days, but today it's almost overwhelming. I find myself sitting staring into nothing finding it surreal that we are back in this place. This place where there is just not enough money. I know we put ourselves here, and I know that we have to pay the price, so to speak, to get out of it...but I just can't believe we are here again. I hate that my kids are affected by it. I hate that I have no idea how i'm going to find the money to buy my daughter a birthday present much less for the food for her party. I hate that I couldn't pay for a field trip.

I am thankful that I have little angels that have helped me through and offered to help when I wasn't sure how I was going to get to work the next day because I had no gas money. That angel was kind enough that i managed to get groceries as well.

I am thankful that the electric company is working with us and our electricity won't be turned off tomorrow.

I am thankful that I have a job...and so does he.

but I hate that my kids think we are poor. I hate hate that my son asked if he could do anything to help us raise money. I hate that he went two weeks with no lunch at school because he didn't want to tell me because he was helping to save money.

I am thankful that they are such wonderful little people. I am thankful for the support system we have.

I am trying to be thankful instead of wallow in my sadness and disbelief. I am trying to be positive for all those around me.

I am tired and trying desperately to stay above the water and not let it pull me under

such a horrible blogger

You know...sometimes there are just moments where Life just jumps up and swallows you whole. I think the last few months have definately been in the belly of Life...or something like it.

The Man started working in December, thank goodness for that, but unfortunately it still isn't enough money to pay the bills, much less gas and groceries. I have paid so much to the bank in NSF fees it really is ridiculous...note to self, do NOT ever put all your bills on auto pay again. When your money runs out and your pay days change...they just keep processing everything, even when there is no money...yeah, it's freakin great!

But he is working and that is what matters. He is trying to find his peace with it all and my hope is that he will get there soon. He is getting closer to accepting that we are here for a reason, but he still struggles daily with it. He is capable of so much more, but for whatever reason...here we are. We will get to a better place, just not in the timing that we had laid out :)

The hooligans are doing pretty good. We have our typical attitude melt downs...but for the most part all is well. The Girl turn 9 today. Good grief...I almost have two kids that are in double digits. It really just seems unreal. I asked the man last night if he felt like we were 30...he does. I don't. Although...I did find some gray hairs over the weekend. I'm a little bothered by that.

My work is good, very busy, but it's good. There is definately a renewed spirit around here. I'm also starting to pick up with the photography again, and really feel like this year will be full of greatness. In the meantime, I've started selling The Pampered Chef. I love their products and just figured it was a good way to earn some extra money...now i can just figure out how to book some more parties.

~Back to work...Lots to do. Let's hope, this blog doesn't go neglected for so long this time :)

Project 365 - MaddiePie

Just a quick note to invite you over to the MaddiePie Creations blog to follow along with me on my Project 365 journey!

1 picture a day for 365 days...too excited!

Doubts

Everyone has doubts...right?? There are some days that I take a look around and feel as though I doubt everything. I "know" others have doubts and that I am not unusual...but some times they just get a little overwhelming.

I follow MANY blogs...it's really kind of ridiculous! But they make me feel that I am a part of something larger. They are people that are...well they become family. I love to read about what is going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. Two of the blogs I follow are beautiful sisters. One is an amazing photographer, Jasmine Star, and the other is her amazing sister Bianca. These two people are so passionate about what they do and really seem to have a clear understanding of where they are headed...even if they don't always know how to get there. The funny thing is...I think they graduated high school one year after me. I get lost in their postings because they are wonderful writers. I forget we are the same age. Maybe it is because they seem so sure of their paths in life. Maybe because my life is so chaotic that I never know if I am coming or going.

I feel as though I meant to do this photography thing, but yet I have so many doubts and so many reservations. I still have so much to learn and know that I am nowhere near as good as I need to be...or as good as I can be. I have had several people make me re-evaluate if this is what I am meant to do. Maybe I am just trying to find something else to make me happy now that I am 30.

I doubt myself as a mother. I wonder if my parenting skills will permanently mess up my kids in the future. I worry that all the drama of being a teenager and (almost) preteen will scar them for life. I worry that I haven't given them the tools and self assurance to make good decisions when faced with peer pressure. I worry that we fight too much.

Bianca's post today was about listening for the answers when you ask God questions. The Man and I just had this conversation not too long ago. I didn't grow up in a religious family so I don't have a super strong faith to fall back on. I believe there is a God and I believe that He has a plan for me. But I think I also expect that when people say God told them this or that...they had this conversation with him, like I would have with someone face to face or on the phone. I want clear cut answers. I want to know why. I want to be reassured that we are doing the right things. I want to know what my next step is supposed to be or at least that the one i just took was the right one.

I want to have a few less doubts...and know that I am walking down a road that I am meant to walk down. I want some peace. I want to be sure...sure of who I am, the person I am meant to be, and the things that I am meant to do in my life.

MaddiePie update

I have been a busy girl!!

Head over to the MaddiePie Blog to check out some more recent sessions






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Busy Girl

Thru it all, I have stayed extremely busy. Head over to the MaddiePie Blog and check out some of my latest sessions.

MaddiePie Candles are also back. Each year around the holidays I make candles. So many different scents this year! They are officially ready so send me an email if you are interested!
maddiepiecreations@yahoo.com

As of this coming Monday I will also be an Avon Representative. Avon has really changed over the years and have greatly improved their products. It is the only makeup I wear now...and if you know how picky I am about my makeup, then you know that is saying alot.

I guess I figure, if I stay super busy I won't really have time to wallow in my poor pitiful me mentality. Then again, if it all goes well...maybe eventually I can not work full time and do these things that I enjoy!

Going Dark

I am trying really hard to keep my head above water...and just keep swimming. But man some days it is tough. So I apologize that I haven't blogged too much lately. It's really tough to stay positive and I am a firm believer that no one wants to hear me whining about how rough things are right now.

In fact, I was even told last week that no one really likes to hear me whine. So the best I can do right now is just stay a little quiet and go a little dark. At least on the bad days...

Holidays are here and I am no where close to being ready. In laws are coming this weekend for Thanksgiving, lots to do to get things in order. Then the mad rush for Christmas begins. Everything is going to be homemade this year. Now to just figure out what to get the hooligans.

Oh!! The Boy turns 13 Thursday. That should be interesting.

The Boy

The Boy is trying out for basketball today and started back up with the select soccer team...AND he has regional tryouts for band next weekend. Busy? yeah, maybe just a little.

His grades are slipping because he extremely lazy when it comes to his classes...how do you motivate someone?

The greatest thing through all of this though (The Man not working) is that their relationship has grown considerably. The Boy is really starting to open up and talk and ask questions.

Some questions I would rather not know about...but I guess you can't be picky.

He really is struggling right now, trying to find out who he is and how he fits into the puzzle. He got super upset the other day because he is not, tall, strong, athletic, and handsome. While he is in my eyes, I do understand that compared to the other boys he is surrounded by, he does not measure up physically. We had a long conversation about how he needs to learn to be comfortable in his own skin and know that he is an amazing person and THAT is what really matters. I know that it isn't important right now, but in the long run, he has to be ok with who he is in spite of his physical appearance.

Of course, as I tell him all of this, I also acknowledge that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin until just a few years ago. I hope he finds his way LONG before I did.

So Blessed

I was wrapping up a session and getting it posted on the MaddiePie blog and was a little overwhelmed by how very blessed I am. I have some of the best people sprinkled throughout my life. Some of these people love me for me and just knowing that makes it all worthwhile.

Our lives have been extremely chaotic over last few months and some days it really does feel like the weight of the world is crashing down around me. But it is in these moments, that I know that I will rise above all the madness and continue on trudging through. It is in these moments that I know that I have a great support system and if nothing else they will lift me up and not allow us sink.