Exhausted

So...exhausted...

I don't have much today as my brain is barely functioning. It's really sad, I am 30 and feel like I am closer to 80.


It's going to be a rough couple of days at work. Just really praying for the weekend to get here at this point.

Oh...and the thing that we aren't speaking about (see post below)...well...it is progressing. They are checking a few things and are moving very quickly. In the financial world, your credit is something they check...let's hope they will see that it was good credit up until 3 months ago.

Making a budget - YUCK

So, one of my guardian angels sent me a book to read. The Financial Peace Planner, by Dave Ramsey. If you know this name, you know that he has done some amazing things in the world of financial budgets and getting people out of debt. I read through the first 3 or 4 chapters yesterday ...and then proceeded to get extremely depressed.

He starts the book by asking several questions and putting yourself in a category.

The Get A-Heads - "You have money left over each month after paying bills, but probably you aren't sure how to invest it. Sometimes you can't explain where the money has gone, and you find yourself saying things like "With what we make and spend, we should be able to save more".

The Currents - "You are living on the edge. You bring home the bacon each month, and you send it right back out. You ahve never been late on a payment, but you can't save."

The Troubled - "Until that unexpected event a few months ago, you were a Current. Now you are in over your head. You are thirty to sixty days delinquent on your credit cards or house or car payments and you have begun to get nasty calls. You have considered debt consolidation or other borrowing tactics just to catch up".

The Desperadoes - "You are probably close to giving up. You have thought about the B word (bankruptcy). Foaming mouthed collection monsters call your home every night during supper to threaten foreclosure on your home. You are several months behind on your car payments, making reposession imminent".

We...are in the Troubled category...although somedays I feel like we are looking down the path of the Desperadoes..

This isn't the worst category to be in, but it is really tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

So I had to put the book down for the night otherwise mommy would have been a nightmare to be around.

But today, i'm reflecting on what I read and what I need to do to get out of this situation. So I am working on our monthly budget. Hmph! there is definately more month than money. We have cut back on several of our bills, are working out payment plans with others, eating at home, taking our lunch, and there still just isn't enough. i really just can't believe we are here...at this place...in this situation, in need of so much help. But, the important thing right now is just trying to figure out how to get through. I have faith that we will make it out to the other side, I really do. I know we will be ok. One day at a time, one bill at a time, one step at a time. So the first step is to make a budget.

I'm not really sure that I will share all the details of our budget..but I will share the progress on here and some of the activities that I am asked to do throughout the book.

To my guardian angel...You are now my accountability partner. The book tells me I need one, so I am appointing it to you. I know, I know...JUST what you need is one more thing. Sorry!

On a positive note...The Man is having a second interview right now. I haven't told anyone because I feel like I jinx it everytime I say something. So if you read this...don't ask. I promise, if he gets the job, i'll tell ya! But I really just can't talk about it for fear that they will offer it to someone else. Or pull his credit...and then not offer it to him. It's funny - we have had great credit for several years now...and after 6 months, it has all gone to pot!

I have spring pictures scheduled at the school this Wednesday - God...please let it go better than the fall...please?!? I could really use this income, it would help us out greatly!

Work is ick right now...it's going to be a long week. A really long week.

Just what I needed

This past weekend was JUST what I needed. The hooligans are in Oklahoma for the week and I had a fabulous engagement photo shoot. The Man and I had a wonderful conversation on the drive back and forth...we just don't get to talk near enough. It reminds me how much I love him and how thankful I am that I am married to my best friend. It also makes me sad for those that are married and don't have this kind of relationship.

We talked a lot about where we are...and where we want to be. What is keeping us here, what is it that we want and need for where we decide to end up. Selfishly...I want the sense of peace and safety that I have when I am there. It is my safe place. I can't really give any other reason other than that. I know it is selfish. I just don't know if it is ok to be selfish on this one yet.

The engagement photo shoot was great. We ate, we drank, we laughed...I made some money!! whoo hoo! for that. I absolutely love it when my client trusts me and believes in me enough to take risks that they normally wouldn't take. We sat in traffic...we walked on a ledge 14 floors up, and sat in mud...I love it! and I love that they trusted me enough to go thru it all.

Lots of laughter was what I needed, that is for sure. Depression is definately something that the women in family struggle with. Some days it is all consuming..but days like yesterday sure do help to keep me afloat. Thinking back over the last several weeks...i think it ties into my monthly cycle as well. I definately hit some of my lowest lows during that two weeks...I went 8 years without having one...and now, I feel like sometimes it is definately making up for lost time. But for now, I am on the upswing...at least today.

Someone made replied to a comment I made on Facebook last week about how positive I was...kinda made me laugh a little, because I definately don't feel very optimistic. I sure try, well, I at least try to pretend I am anyway...

Balance

The last few months have no doubt been some of the hardest...just very emotional. Last night as we finished dinner and were still sitting at the table watching American Idol I started to get emotional..yeah, again. It was then that it hit me that The Man was in a pretty decent mood. I kinda laughed and told him that I was glad we balanced each other out so well. The nights that he is down and moody, I am the cheerleader and the one who tries to find the positive. There are a lot of those nights right now. But the times where I can't hold it together at home...because for some reason it usually happens at work...he is in a decent mood and can help bring me back up out of the things that make me feel like I am drowning.

I am thankful for that.

It takes a village

This last week has definately shown me how much we are loved. We have had some people help us out...some financially, some have given food, some have given a shoulder to cry on, some have found ways to get The Man's resume into some job openings. While it absolutely kills me to accept the help, I know that I have needed to. I know that all I can say is thank you and that I will make plans to repay the kindness when we are back on our feet again.

We have some of the most amazing people in our lives. I am truly blessed to have a village surrounding us that has given what was needed when it seemed as though there was no way to make it thru.

I know that we will come out of this hard time, and some days it is more overwhelming than it seems I can bear, but I also know that I have an amazing group of people in my life that will help me thru...even when I don't know how to ask for it.

While I know that everything will work itself out...somedays its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today is one of those days...well, maybe the last few days have been one of those days, but today it's almost overwhelming. I find myself sitting staring into nothing finding it surreal that we are back in this place. This place where there is just not enough money. I know we put ourselves here, and I know that we have to pay the price, so to speak, to get out of it...but I just can't believe we are here again. I hate that my kids are affected by it. I hate that I have no idea how i'm going to find the money to buy my daughter a birthday present much less for the food for her party. I hate that I couldn't pay for a field trip.

I am thankful that I have little angels that have helped me through and offered to help when I wasn't sure how I was going to get to work the next day because I had no gas money. That angel was kind enough that i managed to get groceries as well.

I am thankful that the electric company is working with us and our electricity won't be turned off tomorrow.

I am thankful that I have a job...and so does he.

but I hate that my kids think we are poor. I hate hate that my son asked if he could do anything to help us raise money. I hate that he went two weeks with no lunch at school because he didn't want to tell me because he was helping to save money.

I am thankful that they are such wonderful little people. I am thankful for the support system we have.

I am trying to be thankful instead of wallow in my sadness and disbelief. I am trying to be positive for all those around me.

I am tired and trying desperately to stay above the water and not let it pull me under

such a horrible blogger

You know...sometimes there are just moments where Life just jumps up and swallows you whole. I think the last few months have definately been in the belly of Life...or something like it.

The Man started working in December, thank goodness for that, but unfortunately it still isn't enough money to pay the bills, much less gas and groceries. I have paid so much to the bank in NSF fees it really is ridiculous...note to self, do NOT ever put all your bills on auto pay again. When your money runs out and your pay days change...they just keep processing everything, even when there is no money...yeah, it's freakin great!

But he is working and that is what matters. He is trying to find his peace with it all and my hope is that he will get there soon. He is getting closer to accepting that we are here for a reason, but he still struggles daily with it. He is capable of so much more, but for whatever reason...here we are. We will get to a better place, just not in the timing that we had laid out :)

The hooligans are doing pretty good. We have our typical attitude melt downs...but for the most part all is well. The Girl turn 9 today. Good grief...I almost have two kids that are in double digits. It really just seems unreal. I asked the man last night if he felt like we were 30...he does. I don't. Although...I did find some gray hairs over the weekend. I'm a little bothered by that.

My work is good, very busy, but it's good. There is definately a renewed spirit around here. I'm also starting to pick up with the photography again, and really feel like this year will be full of greatness. In the meantime, I've started selling The Pampered Chef. I love their products and just figured it was a good way to earn some extra money...now i can just figure out how to book some more parties.

~Back to work...Lots to do. Let's hope, this blog doesn't go neglected for so long this time :)

Project 365 - MaddiePie

Just a quick note to invite you over to the MaddiePie Creations blog to follow along with me on my Project 365 journey!

1 picture a day for 365 days...too excited!

Doubts

Everyone has doubts...right?? There are some days that I take a look around and feel as though I doubt everything. I "know" others have doubts and that I am not unusual...but some times they just get a little overwhelming.

I follow MANY blogs...it's really kind of ridiculous! But they make me feel that I am a part of something larger. They are people that are...well they become family. I love to read about what is going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. Two of the blogs I follow are beautiful sisters. One is an amazing photographer, Jasmine Star, and the other is her amazing sister Bianca. These two people are so passionate about what they do and really seem to have a clear understanding of where they are headed...even if they don't always know how to get there. The funny thing is...I think they graduated high school one year after me. I get lost in their postings because they are wonderful writers. I forget we are the same age. Maybe it is because they seem so sure of their paths in life. Maybe because my life is so chaotic that I never know if I am coming or going.

I feel as though I meant to do this photography thing, but yet I have so many doubts and so many reservations. I still have so much to learn and know that I am nowhere near as good as I need to be...or as good as I can be. I have had several people make me re-evaluate if this is what I am meant to do. Maybe I am just trying to find something else to make me happy now that I am 30.

I doubt myself as a mother. I wonder if my parenting skills will permanently mess up my kids in the future. I worry that all the drama of being a teenager and (almost) preteen will scar them for life. I worry that I haven't given them the tools and self assurance to make good decisions when faced with peer pressure. I worry that we fight too much.

Bianca's post today was about listening for the answers when you ask God questions. The Man and I just had this conversation not too long ago. I didn't grow up in a religious family so I don't have a super strong faith to fall back on. I believe there is a God and I believe that He has a plan for me. But I think I also expect that when people say God told them this or that...they had this conversation with him, like I would have with someone face to face or on the phone. I want clear cut answers. I want to know why. I want to be reassured that we are doing the right things. I want to know what my next step is supposed to be or at least that the one i just took was the right one.

I want to have a few less doubts...and know that I am walking down a road that I am meant to walk down. I want some peace. I want to be sure...sure of who I am, the person I am meant to be, and the things that I am meant to do in my life.

MaddiePie update

I have been a busy girl!!

Head over to the MaddiePie Blog to check out some more recent sessions






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