Just to remember

I am writing this to remember. To remember where I am right now, emotionally. I want to look back and see if I was able to change anything in the coming months. This is for me...to document how I feel at this moment....this day...this place in my life.

I am in love with my husband (just fyi, i don't want this to change unless it is for the better). I am frustrated with my kids at times. I loose my temper fast. I cry. Alot. I feel as though the water continues to rise and I might just slip under and I fear that I might not be able to get back to the top. Our life is crazy right now...but being honest, our life is always crazy. We are always busy. We never have enough money...but being honest, even when we were making MUCH more than we are now, we still didn't have enough money. I am stressed out. I am exhaused. I am overwhelmed...and sometimes by nothing in particular. I want to sleep..ALL THE TIME. Partially, because we are so busy...partially because I just want it all to go away. I am angry. I am sad. But not all the time. I love my life and the people that drift in and out. I want more. I want less. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful that he has found a job that excites him every day. I am frustrated that some people in my life don't contribute to their families. I am frustrated that I can't solve the problems of the world. I am dissappointed in my parenting abilities. I am scared that I have not equipped my kids to make good decisions and be good people. I am proud of who they are right now, even with the bad decisions. I get my feelings hurt so easily. I am sad that my friends don't seem to value our friendship the way I do. I hate that I don't have time to devote to everyone like I would like. I am scared that my marriage will ultimately fail one day. I am tired. I am blessed to have a passion that excites me and a husband that fully supports me in this adventure. I am thankful for the support people in my life that send me texts when i need them the most that say "love you". I am thankful for the friends that I haven't spoken to in months that stop to chat with me while I sit and cry at my computer. I am so glad I have people in my life that reach out at very unexpected times. I miss my best friend. I am sad that this is where our road has led us. I pray that the road connects again at some point in our life. I wish I was better at remembering birthdays. I miss not being able to talk to my husband during the day. I am so very thankful that he is my best friend and partner in this crazy life. I want to be a better person, mother, friend, wife, sister, daughter, and niece. I want to rule the world. I want to cry. I want to close my eyes and open them and see nothing but positive things. I want to win the lottery. I want my children to love me. I want to better than I am. I want to continue to learn new things. I want to continue to grow in everything I do. I want everyone to like me. I want to not always have a brave face in front of everyone. I want to not have to fake that everything is right with the world. I want peace in my life and my inner being.

I took a step today towards working on myself and maybe getting thru this...I don't know what this is. But today is a beginning...and I will just take it one day, one step at a time.



If you are reading this, thank you for reading this, but please don't comment on it.

This is just for me. To get it all out. To remember who I am today and hopefully look back one day and know that I was able to become a better person. I share it here because it is a relatively safe place... and i really enjoy writing here.

Everything in our life leads us to where we are and shapes us into the people we will become...this is one tiny part of my journey and I just wanted to express it in words so that one day I will know that I am continuing to move forward in my journey.

Inspiration

Do you ever wonder if you inspire someone else?

I do...

I have a couple of peope that inspire me every day to be a better person. I look at a couple of them and we are the same age, or really close to it, and I wonder if someone thinks I am as great as I think they are.

Family doesn't count...you have to say nice things and encourage. So for those of you that are reading this - thank you for believing in me...I love you very much.

But sometimes...I look at someone and wonder how have they already accomplished so much...and I feel as though I will never be as great as they are...or maybe as great as I think I want to be.

I'm not having a pity party, so please don't think that is what this post is about. It's just that sometimes, someone takes my breath away by the amazing things they are doing...and just wonder if anyone every thinks the same way about me.



A side note: The Girl thinks i smell like pop tarts....


I guess it could be worse.

VOTE FOR ME!! PLEASE?

Hi everyone, could you please go vote for me? I’m trying to win a contest to go to Miami to work with a great photographer on a shoot for two days.

Please? Pretty please?? Yes…I’m shamelessly begging you J

There is a radial button next to each entry, just click the button and then scroll down and vote.

{Brooke Lowther MaddiePie}

http://www.kristenweaverblog.com/workshops/photofusion-2010-in-miami-voting-now-open/

Because I want to...

Because I want to...isn't ever a good enough reason... and I know that.

Life get's in the way and there will always be enough time to do the things that you really want to do.

But dangit! I want to.

Stress

Stress does funny things. Some people deal with stress on the outside...mine, well i internalize it all. It's just a lot easier to not show it on the outside, plus...who likes to hear someone whine all the time... I don't. I don't mind listening to someone when they have a problem, but when nothing positive EVER comes out...well, I just figure you're probably not doing a whole lot to try to find solutions...whatever - not what this post is about.

When I internalize my stress...{it doesn't even have to be bad stress, sometimes it's just busy stress, trying to remember to get everything done and make sure a ball doesn't get dropped} my body starts freaking out a little bit. Today...that means my skin hurts. It's kinda like shingles in that it affects my nerve endings. And today...my face hurts {yeah, i know...it's killing you too}. So, fortunately for me, I found the medicine I have and also found i have a couple of refills that will expire in may - better get one of those called in.

Update on the budget - we busted it on the household things...but I am still monitoring it and will readdress it at the end of the month and see what needs to be adjusted. :(

Darn budget. Darn Stress.

Proud Wife

The last several months have been in a state of chaos. We have hit as close to rock bottom financially as I EVER care to get. We have been stressed out over jobs and life in general. We have fought, we have cried, we have thrown our hands up in despair.

But through it all, I can tell you that I have always been a proud wife. I am proud of the man I married for continuing to do what it takes to make our family work. There was a time at the end of last year that The Man decided he could no longer go without a job. He started calling the local restaurants to see if he could wait tables, do dishes...clean toilets. He was willing to do whatever it took to bring in the money we needed to make ends meet. I am proud of him for recognizing that sometimes it's not about what we want to do, but what we need to do.

He took a job that was a 60% pay cut and huge hit to his pride. But he understood that what mattered was that he provided for his family in any manner that he could.

He put his family first...because that is how it should be.

Growing up, The Glass Lady (aka my mom) married a man. A man that when she met him seemed like he had potential. They were both attending a trade school in the evenings, he had a job, and he took an interest in her. I'm not real sure of the timeline for this story, but regardless, he stopped working. Flip a couple of pages and she gets pregnant. Flip another page or two and he decides that he will just stay home with the baby instead of getting another job. Flip a few chapters and he still isn't working...at all. The baby, she is now a little girl. Me...I'm a teenager and about to start my own book. But what I witnessed in this part of my mom's story is what I wouldn't have in my life.

I watched him take over and drain the life out of my mother. I watched as how she slowly pushed away those that were in her life, friends and family, because...well, maybe because she was ashamed of him. Maybe because she was consumed with her love for him and wanted to make him happy. But I watched how because of him not working, made him a hermit. It made him become someone that had no interacation with people outside of the house. It made him angry and mean. It made him mean to her, mean to me...It made her begin to hate him.

Little by little, she resented him, she hated him, she wanted out of this relationship and eventually she escaped.

Was this because he didn't get a job? maybe, maybe not. But I can tell you that as a child in the middle of this and observing. It made me realize that when I grew up there were some things that were non negotiable for me.

My husband must treat me with respect.
My husband must love me unconditionally.
My husband must provide for his family.
My husband must be an active participant in our family.
My husband must be a kind hearted person.

These are the things I learned from my mom.

So now...in my story, several months ago...my husband left his job. We made the decision together. We looked at the facts and situation we were presented with and made a decision that was best for our family. Four months after he left his job...he was still without a job. But he knew that he had to do SOMETHING to start bringing in money. Because for him to sit at home every day and do nothing was absolutely unacceptable.

I sometimes wonder, for someone like the man who married my mother, when does it become ok to not work? What makes it ok to not contribute to your family? What makes it ok to not be an active player in your family?

I won't get biblical...because I don't know it enough to start spouting it off...but I am pretty sure that The Plan was for the husband to provide for his family.

In my world...that doesn't mean that the wife doesn't work and just the man does. In my little world, that means that they both work. They both contribute. It is a partnership. It is a joint effort. Who cares which one of you makes more money? Who cares if you are rich or poor? What does matter??

What matters is that you are doing it together.

Are you a partner in your marriage? Or are you someone that has decided it's ok for the other person to carry the weight of the world...plus your baggage too?

I have watched many people in my life isolate themselves and become the people they swore they would never become. I have watched marriages fall apart because of this. I have watched as children learn to resent their parents for this. I have watched as important people in my life...slowly slip away from the people they are.

But I am proud to tell you...my husband is one of the admirable ones.

My husband treats me with respect.
My husband loves me unconditionally.
My husband provides for his family.
My husband is an active participant in our family.
My husband is a kind hearted person.


I am very blessed and very proud of the person that he is.

And my heart breaks for those that aren't married to their best friend. Life is too short to be married to someone who doesn't support you in everything you do, or treats you in a manner that is unacceptable, or who is just along for the ride.

My wish is that we can all take a step back and re-evaluate what is truly important in our lives. I know that neither The Man or I want to work every day for the rest of our lives...but I also know that we will do what is necessary to have the life that we want, hand in hand.

My wish is that if you are married...you are walking hand in hand with your life partner and taking an active role in the story you are creating. If you aren't...you story isn't done.

Just turn the page and start a new chapter. Life is too short.

Not too bad...not too bad at all

This was the weekend that I decided to see how well I did on my preliminary budget... all in all, I didn't do to bad. We went to the dreaded Walmart and decided to pay for the toiletries and regular household stuff separately from the groceries.

**note to self, next time make two lists so you can conquer and divide.

I had allotted myself $100 for the household stuff for the month and $100 for the weekly groceries.

I came in at $106 for the household stuff and $70 for the weekly groceries. WOO HOO!!

Of course this is just the beginning and there are already some things that we will need to add to the list for the household stuff, but this will at least allow me to keep a running list and then make adjustments to May's budget.

We were checking out and felt very proud of ourselves.

Other than our exciting shopping trip (how lame are we) we had a great weekend. spent time with friends, did softball, worked on the yard...well, kinda. The lawn mower has to be repaired, but that weedeater made a heck of dent in the weeds :)

This week will be busy. I have a pampered chef party Tuesday night, softball practice tuesday and Thursday, I'll pick up the picture orders on Thursday, and retakes on Friday.

Today starts the budget

Today is April 1...the beginning of my budget. Today is the day that I have to track every cotton pickin thing we spend money on. Food is for sure the hardest thing when it comes to spending money. I HATE eating at my desk, it makes the day so long. I hate cooking at home, it's not that I can't...I just hate it. But I am committing to making this work..I really just don't have any other choice :)

My guardian angel...I will send you my budget and then I think at the end of the month, I'll send it to you again and have all the money tracked on their that we spent. Then maybe we can see if I can cut back anywhere else...hopefully that will help keep me accountable.

This program has 7 baby steps.

Step 1: save $1000 to start an emergency fund
Step 2: pay off all debt using the debt snowball
Step 3: 3-6 months expenses in savings
Step 4: invest 15% of income into a retirement fund
Step 5: College Funding
Step 6: Pay off home early
Step 7: build wealth and give

So step 1 is actually going to be easy...just a coincidence, but whatever gets us there..right? I just completed the spring pictures for the little private school I work with and will receive the money next week. So...I am going to immediately, pay the school their commission, set aside taxes, and then fund this $1000 emergency fund.

Then, IF and only if, there is money left over, I am going to catch up some of the things we are behind on.

So wish me luck!!