What a Crazy Life: December 2009

December 9, 2009

Doubts

Everyone has doubts...right?? There are some days that I take a look around and feel as though I doubt everything. I "know" others have doubts and that I am not unusual...but some times they just get a little overwhelming.

I follow MANY blogs...it's really kind of ridiculous! But they make me feel that I am a part of something larger. They are people that are...well they become family. I love to read about what is going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. Two of the blogs I follow are beautiful sisters. One is an amazing photographer, Jasmine Star, and the other is her amazing sister Bianca. These two people are so passionate about what they do and really seem to have a clear understanding of where they are headed...even if they don't always know how to get there. The funny thing is...I think they graduated high school one year after me. I get lost in their postings because they are wonderful writers. I forget we are the same age. Maybe it is because they seem so sure of their paths in life. Maybe because my life is so chaotic that I never know if I am coming or going.

I feel as though I meant to do this photography thing, but yet I have so many doubts and so many reservations. I still have so much to learn and know that I am nowhere near as good as I need to be...or as good as I can be. I have had several people make me re-evaluate if this is what I am meant to do. Maybe I am just trying to find something else to make me happy now that I am 30.

I doubt myself as a mother. I wonder if my parenting skills will permanently mess up my kids in the future. I worry that all the drama of being a teenager and (almost) preteen will scar them for life. I worry that I haven't given them the tools and self assurance to make good decisions when faced with peer pressure. I worry that we fight too much.

Bianca's post today was about listening for the answers when you ask God questions. The Man and I just had this conversation not too long ago. I didn't grow up in a religious family so I don't have a super strong faith to fall back on. I believe there is a God and I believe that He has a plan for me. But I think I also expect that when people say God told them this or that...they had this conversation with him, like I would have with someone face to face or on the phone. I want clear cut answers. I want to know why. I want to be reassured that we are doing the right things. I want to know what my next step is supposed to be or at least that the one i just took was the right one.

I want to have a few less doubts...and know that I am walking down a road that I am meant to walk down. I want some peace. I want to be sure...sure of who I am, the person I am meant to be, and the things that I am meant to do in my life.