What a Crazy Life

so busy

2010-10-07T09:25:00.002-05:00

It's funny. I am dreading an upcoming surgery. I mean REALLY dreading it. It's not that its a big deal, its just that I am really stressed about being down for so long and really about being the center of attention. I have this horrible image of people just sitting and staring. I'm so uncomfortable with people coming to visit me. Maybe it's because i'm vain. I'm still trying to figure out how to get my makeup done every morning. I wonder if i can just rock the ponytail for two weeks. Surely no one will notice....right?

But on the flip side. I'm exhausted right now. I mean really exhausted. I am a little excited about getting to sleep and really do nothing for at least a solid week. Two weeks before i can drive...and as independent as I am...that sounds WONDERFUL.

Life has been crazy as usual...when is my life not.

but i am blessed to have an amazing family and a great group of friends who constantly build me up and keep me chugging along. I have a rockstar husband who has been amazing and just cleaned the entire house for me while i was gone on a business trip. I know he did it to earn some brownie points...but I also know he did it so I wouldn't have to worry about it while I am down. I am blessed!! that is for sure!

Just breathe...

2010-08-23T15:12:00.004-05:00

So...have I ever told you that I have a weird body? Trust me, it's freakin weird. The latest fun trip to the dr. has shown a stupid lump/bump in the bladder wall. Big deal...didn't seem like it. Oh, you want to remove it? OK sure. Laser surgery is great nowadays...Oh, no laser sugery? You want to do in patient open surgery?? what is that? You want to open my belly? Uh, no thanks. We will just resume regular programming. It's been there for 31 years....it's fine. Yes i realize it made me bleed and deal with clots...but, really, i'm sure its fine. No? You can't just leave it there? Crap. OK fine. So, let's see...September is next month and there is a wedding at the end of the month, two weddings in October...and don't forget about family sessions that are getting ready to get out of control for Christmas cards...OK, well, can we just wait until January or February? No...hmmm? Crap! Ok, so let's see...just tell me how long i'll be down and I'll just book out some time out of my schedule and we will just knock this out. 2-3 weeks....WTH? uh...no thank you! Ok wait, how long am I going to be in the hospital? 2-3 days. Freakin Great! Well....how long is the incision going to be?? 4-5 inches. WHAT??? 4-5 inches??? Do you know that I am not a big person? I think they cut babies out of smaller holes than that!!! Ok...just breathe...this is all going to work out.

Hmmmm....can he do a tummy tuck while he's already working down there? At least that will seem like it was worth the effort? No? He's just a uroligist not a plastic surgeon? Well, can't he just pull it back together really tight????

Stupid body!!!!!!

.

Bad start to a kid free weekend

2010-08-09T09:11:00.002-05:00

Let me just start by saying, i have the best husband in the world! So kind and patient and when I ruined the first weekend of our kid free week...he didn't show his dissappointment at all. I love him.

To keep a long story short...i have yet another bladder infection, and possibly something else. I won't go into the yucky details...but suffice it to say - all the fun that should be had while being kid free...is officially off limits for at least the first 1/2 of the week.

DISLIKE

The Boy

2010-08-04T12:55:00.002-05:00

I've done a lot of writing about The Girl recently...The Boy is pretty easy right now. I say that with bated breath. With these two, you just never know what is right around the corner.

Today is his athletic physical. I told him I was taking him when I scheduled his last dr. appt last week when he had bronchitis. I heard him ask The Man if he could take off on Wednesday (today). I asked him later why he asked and he said "Because mom, i'm getting my physical."

Well dude...if you think i'm staying in the room for that...you have got another thing coming!! Thanks but no thanks! I get to handle The Girl's stuff...and The Man gets to figure out your stuff...i'm just the driver today.

It's official

2010-08-02T16:14:00.002-05:00

The Girl...is on her way to not being a LITTLE girl anymore. We took both hooligans in for their checkups and I asked about the hairy armpits issue...

After taking a closer look, the dr said we should see her start her period with a year. A year??? are you serious?? A year? She's 9 freakin' years old... You must be joking me!

She recommends that we put a pad in her backpack just in case...all the while The Girl is looking like she could just die at the moment...not because we are talking about periods and puberty...nope, she's mortified because "she touched my boobies!"

yeah, it apparently escaped her attention that the dr. also took a peak at the downstairs area.

So we got home and I the fun job of telling her about periods and the differences between boys puberty and girls puberty. She asked lots of questions...LOTS of questions.

But you know what, by the end of the conversation...she wasn't freaked outby it, she wasn't nervous, she was just very matter of fact by it all. It was pretty neat. She is definately growing up!

I'm just hoping we are looking more at the END of the year timetable...

Summer Vacation??

2010-07-23T11:32:00.002-05:00

We are going on a summer vacation starting tomorrow morning (Saturday) and lasting until...Sunday evening. Woo Hoo! We are party animals :)

We got invited to go down to San Antonio for the weekend. This is the weekend the Dallas Cowboys have training camp and it is open to the public. The boys are going to LOVE IT!! Us girls...well, I think we might do some window shopping. Lord knows the budget doesn't allow for real shopping :(

It will be fun, none of us have ever been to San Antonio so maybe it will be a teaser of a future (longer) vacation.

We are sharing a room with another couple...6 people in one room...should be interesting.

Wish me luck!

2010-07-14T11:10:00.002-05:00

I came across a picture on Facebook today of someone who changed my life forever. It's funny how something can spark a memory and take you back to a certain time and place. Make you become obsessed with finding more information. Make you want to...well, destroy everything they have. Make you not want to be a better person.

I am completely sick to my stomach right now and don't know how to shake these feelings.

So I will focus on the good in my life. Focus on the things I have overcome and know that I survived.

I love my husband and my family. I am truly blessed with the things I have in my life.

..

kinda weird

2010-07-14T09:37:00.003-05:00

It's kinda weird right now. I almost feel as though maybe the medication isn't working. I feel myself wanting to do nothing but sleep. I feel myself drawing inward. Nothing spectacular is going on right now that has me extra overwhelmed....I'm just really sleepy.

Problem here is that I can't take a whole pill to try to combat this problem...because well a whole pill makes me sleepy. See the problem?

Perhaps all of this is because our favorite monthly guest is about to make an appearance...who knows. Maybe this is just my hormones running amuck and the medicine is doing it's best.

Good news...i'm not a crabby crazy lunatic. So I guess its working. Now...I think i might crawl under my desk and take a little cat nap.

Hairy...

2010-07-12T09:27:00.002-05:00

OMG...my kids are hairy. I mean gross kinda hairy!

The Boy has hair "everywhere" and has for a while now, but ugh! I'm not ready for that.

To make matters worse...The Girl...has started to get hair under her armpits. GROSS!!!! EWWWWWW!!! She's only 9?!?!?!!? Really? So now I have to figure out when she is supposed to start shaving. That is just crazy scary.

She finally noticed it this weekend....she's amused by it. Her dad is a little bothered that we are closely coming up on this stage of her life...

WHOA!! April 29....i'm a bad blogger

2010-07-07T11:03:00.002-05:00

Holy moly i'm a bad blogger. Ok, let's update and get this show on the road

It's been two months since I started this medicine...and I feel like a normal person. Well, I feel like what I think a normal person might feel like.

The good side: I don't feel stressed out, I don't feel like a lunatic, I have a LOT more patience with everyone, I guess the best way to describe me now is...eh, whatever. I'm not a zombie or drifting along in a fog...I just really don't care one way or the other. It really is kinda nice, because now when the hooligans are loud and obnoxious, I just kinda watch them and laugh with them. The Man is now the one that does most of the yelling at them. It's kinda nice not being the one that flips out all the time. Not that he flips out, he just gets aggravated...and I don't :)

The bad side: The medicine makes me very sleepy. A whole pill makes me struggle to stay awake and I yawn all day long, but is GREAT for the appetite control. A 1/2 a pill doesn't make me sleepy but doesn't curb my appetite either. So as the doctor says, 1/2 dozen one way 6 the other. I guess you have to pick your battles right?

I love it. I sleep better. I feel better. I think better. Good grief...so this is what it feels like huh?

The kids are already so incredibly bored staying at home this summer...so i think that we might try the library this weekend and the arts and crafts store...i refuse to buy anymore games...their brains are turning to mush.

We have spent most weekends out by the pool or over at someone else's house by the pool. It's freakin HOT in Texas...that's really the only place to be :)

Photography is picking up again for the summer...I have already booked a few weddings and the family portraits and senior portraits are starting to pick up as well. Busy Busy girl!!

Just to remember

2010-04-29T11:27:00.003-05:00

I am writing this to remember. To remember where I am right now, emotionally. I want to look back and see if I was able to change anything in the coming months. This is for me...to document how I feel at this moment....this day...this place in my life.

I am in love with my husband (just fyi, i don't want this to change unless it is for the better). I am frustrated with my kids at times. I loose my temper fast. I cry. Alot. I feel as though the water continues to rise and I might just slip under and I fear that I might not be able to get back to the top. Our life is crazy right now...but being honest, our life is always crazy. We are always busy. We never have enough money...but being honest, even when we were making MUCH more than we are now, we still didn't have enough money. I am stressed out. I am exhaused. I am overwhelmed...and sometimes by nothing in particular. I want to sleep..ALL THE TIME. Partially, because we are so busy...partially because I just want it all to go away. I am angry. I am sad. But not all the time. I love my life and the people that drift in and out. I want more. I want less. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful that he has found a job that excites him every day. I am frustrated that some people in my life don't contribute to their families. I am frustrated that I can't solve the problems of the world. I am dissappointed in my parenting abilities. I am scared that I have not equipped my kids to make good decisions and be good people. I am proud of who they are right now, even with the bad decisions. I get my feelings hurt so easily. I am sad that my friends don't seem to value our friendship the way I do. I hate that I don't have time to devote to everyone like I would like. I am scared that my marriage will ultimately fail one day. I am tired. I am blessed to have a passion that excites me and a husband that fully supports me in this adventure. I am thankful for the support people in my life that send me texts when i need them the most that say "love you". I am thankful for the friends that I haven't spoken to in months that stop to chat with me while I sit and cry at my computer. I am so glad I have people in my life that reach out at very unexpected times. I miss my best friend. I am sad that this is where our road has led us. I pray that the road connects again at some point in our life. I wish I was better at remembering birthdays. I miss not being able to talk to my husband during the day. I am so very thankful that he is my best friend and partner in this crazy life. I want to be a better person, mother, friend, wife, sister, daughter, and niece. I want to rule the world. I want to cry. I want to close my eyes and open them and see nothing but positive things. I want to win the lottery. I want my children to love me. I want to better than I am. I want to continue to learn new things. I want to continue to grow in everything I do. I want everyone to like me. I want to not always have a brave face in front of everyone. I want to not have to fake that everything is right with the world. I want peace in my life and my inner being.

I took a step today towards working on myself and maybe getting thru this...I don't know what this is. But today is a beginning...and I will just take it one day, one step at a time.

If you are reading this, thank you for reading this, but please don't comment on it.

This is just for me. To get it all out. To remember who I am today and hopefully look back one day and know that I was able to become a better person. I share it here because it is a relatively safe place... and i really enjoy writing here.

Everything in our life leads us to where we are and shapes us into the people we will become...this is one tiny part of my journey and I just wanted to express it in words so that one day I will know that I am continuing to move forward in my journey.

Inspiration

2010-04-20T14:51:00.002-05:00

Do you ever wonder if you inspire someone else?

I do...

I have a couple of peope that inspire me every day to be a better person. I look at a couple of them and we are the same age, or really close to it, and I wonder if someone thinks I am as great as I think they are.

Family doesn't count...you have to say nice things and encourage. So for those of you that are reading this - thank you for believing in me...I love you very much.

But sometimes...I look at someone and wonder how have they already accomplished so much...and I feel as though I will never be as great as they are...or maybe as great as I think I want to be.

I'm not having a pity party, so please don't think that is what this post is about. It's just that sometimes, someone takes my breath away by the amazing things they are doing...and just wonder if anyone every thinks the same way about me.

A side note: The Girl thinks i smell like pop tarts....

I guess it could be worse.

VOTE FOR ME!! PLEASE?

2010-04-15T09:22:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone, could you please go vote for me? I’m trying to win a contest to go to Miami to work with a great photographer on a shoot for two days.

Please? Pretty please?? Yes…I’m shamelessly begging you J

There is a radial button next to each entry, just click the button and then scroll down and vote.

{Brooke Lowther MaddiePie}

http://www.kristenweaverblog.com/workshops/photofusion-2010-in-miami-voting-now-open/

Because I want to...

2010-04-08T14:12:00.003-05:00

Because I want to...isn't ever a good enough reason... and I know that.

Life get's in the way and there will always be enough time to do the things that you really want to do.

But dangit! I want to.

Stress

2010-04-08T11:14:00.003-05:00

Stress does funny things. Some people deal with stress on the outside...mine, well i internalize it all. It's just a lot easier to not show it on the outside, plus...who likes to hear someone whine all the time... I don't. I don't mind listening to someone when they have a problem, but when nothing positive EVER comes out...well, I just figure you're probably not doing a whole lot to try to find solutions...whatever - not what this post is about.

When I internalize my stress...{it doesn't even have to be bad stress, sometimes it's just busy stress, trying to remember to get everything done and make sure a ball doesn't get dropped} my body starts freaking out a little bit. Today...that means my skin hurts. It's kinda like shingles in that it affects my nerve endings. And today...my face hurts {yeah, i know...it's killing you too}. So, fortunately for me, I found the medicine I have and also found i have a couple of refills that will expire in may - better get one of those called in.

Update on the budget - we busted it on the household things...but I am still monitoring it and will readdress it at the end of the month and see what needs to be adjusted. :(

Darn budget. Darn Stress.

Proud Wife

2010-04-06T08:25:00.002-05:00

The last several months have been in a state of chaos. We have hit as close to rock bottom financially as I EVER care to get. We have been stressed out over jobs and life in general. We have fought, we have cried, we have thrown our hands up in despair.

But through it all, I can tell you that I have always been a proud wife. I am proud of the man I married for continuing to do what it takes to make our family work. There was a time at the end of last year that The Man decided he could no longer go without a job. He started calling the local restaurants to see if he could wait tables, do dishes...clean toilets. He was willing to do whatever it took to bring in the money we needed to make ends meet. I am proud of him for recognizing that sometimes it's not about what we want to do, but what we need to do.

He took a job that was a 60% pay cut and huge hit to his pride. But he understood that what mattered was that he provided for his family in any manner that he could.

He put his family first...because that is how it should be.

Growing up, The Glass Lady (aka my mom) married a man. A man that when she met him seemed like he had potential. They were both attending a trade school in the evenings, he had a job, and he took an interest in her. I'm not real sure of the timeline for this story, but regardless, he stopped working. Flip a couple of pages and she gets pregnant. Flip another page or two and he decides that he will just stay home with the baby instead of getting another job. Flip a few chapters and he still isn't working...at all. The baby, she is now a little girl. Me...I'm a teenager and about to start my own book. But what I witnessed in this part of my mom's story is what I wouldn't have in my life.

I watched him take over and drain the life out of my mother. I watched as how she slowly pushed away those that were in her life, friends and family, because...well, maybe because she was ashamed of him. Maybe because she was consumed with her love for him and wanted to make him happy. But I watched how because of him not working, made him a hermit. It made him become someone that had no interacation with people outside of the house. It made him angry and mean. It made him mean to her, mean to me...It made her begin to hate him.

Little by little, she resented him, she hated him, she wanted out of this relationship and eventually she escaped.

Was this because he didn't get a job? maybe, maybe not. But I can tell you that as a child in the middle of this and observing. It made me realize that when I grew up there were some things that were non negotiable for me.

My husband must treat me with respect.
My husband must love me unconditionally.
My husband must provide for his family.
My husband must be an active participant in our family.
My husband must be a kind hearted person.

These are the things I learned from my mom.

So now...in my story, several months ago...my husband left his job. We made the decision together. We looked at the facts and situation we were presented with and made a decision that was best for our family. Four months after he left his job...he was still without a job. But he knew that he had to do SOMETHING to start bringing in money. Because for him to sit at home every day and do nothing was absolutely unacceptable.

I sometimes wonder, for someone like the man who married my mother, when does it become ok to not work? What makes it ok to not contribute to your family? What makes it ok to not be an active player in your family?

I won't get biblical...because I don't know it enough to start spouting it off...but I am pretty sure that The Plan was for the husband to provide for his family.

In my world...that doesn't mean that the wife doesn't work and just the man does. In my little world, that means that they both work. They both contribute. It is a partnership. It is a joint effort. Who cares which one of you makes more money? Who cares if you are rich or poor? What does matter??

What matters is that you are doing it together.

Are you a partner in your marriage? Or are you someone that has decided it's ok for the other person to carry the weight of the world...plus your baggage too?

I have watched many people in my life isolate themselves and become the people they swore they would never become. I have watched marriages fall apart because of this. I have watched as children learn to resent their parents for this. I have watched as important people in my life...slowly slip away from the people they are.

But I am proud to tell you...my husband is one of the admirable ones.

My husband treats me with respect.
My husband loves me unconditionally.
My husband provides for his family.
My husband is an active participant in our family.
My husband is a kind hearted person.

I am very blessed and very proud of the person that he is.

And my heart breaks for those that aren't married to their best friend. Life is too short to be married to someone who doesn't support you in everything you do, or treats you in a manner that is unacceptable, or who is just along for the ride.

My wish is that we can all take a step back and re-evaluate what is truly important in our lives. I know that neither The Man or I want to work every day for the rest of our lives...but I also know that we will do what is necessary to have the life that we want, hand in hand.

My wish is that if you are married...you are walking hand in hand with your life partner and taking an active role in the story you are creating. If you aren't...you story isn't done.

Just turn the page and start a new chapter. Life is too short.

Not too bad...not too bad at all

2010-04-05T09:17:00.002-05:00

This was the weekend that I decided to see how well I did on my preliminary budget... all in all, I didn't do to bad. We went to the dreaded Walmart and decided to pay for the toiletries and regular household stuff separately from the groceries.

**note to self, next time make two lists so you can conquer and divide.

I had allotted myself $100 for the household stuff for the month and $100 for the weekly groceries.

I came in at $106 for the household stuff and $70 for the weekly groceries. WOO HOO!!

Of course this is just the beginning and there are already some things that we will need to add to the list for the household stuff, but this will at least allow me to keep a running list and then make adjustments to May's budget.

We were checking out and felt very proud of ourselves.

Other than our exciting shopping trip (how lame are we) we had a great weekend. spent time with friends, did softball, worked on the yard...well, kinda. The lawn mower has to be repaired, but that weedeater made a heck of dent in the weeds :)

This week will be busy. I have a pampered chef party Tuesday night, softball practice tuesday and Thursday, I'll pick up the picture orders on Thursday, and retakes on Friday.

Today starts the budget

2010-04-01T09:18:00.002-05:00

Today is April 1...the beginning of my budget. Today is the day that I have to track every cotton pickin thing we spend money on. Food is for sure the hardest thing when it comes to spending money. I HATE eating at my desk, it makes the day so long. I hate cooking at home, it's not that I can't...I just hate it. But I am committing to making this work..I really just don't have any other choice :)

My guardian angel...I will send you my budget and then I think at the end of the month, I'll send it to you again and have all the money tracked on their that we spent. Then maybe we can see if I can cut back anywhere else...hopefully that will help keep me accountable.

This program has 7 baby steps.

Step 1: save $1000 to start an emergency fund
Step 2: pay off all debt using the debt snowball
Step 3: 3-6 months expenses in savings
Step 4: invest 15% of income into a retirement fund
Step 5: College Funding
Step 6: Pay off home early
Step 7: build wealth and give

So step 1 is actually going to be easy...just a coincidence, but whatever gets us there..right? I just completed the spring pictures for the little private school I work with and will receive the money next week. So...I am going to immediately, pay the school their commission, set aside taxes, and then fund this $1000 emergency fund.

Then, IF and only if, there is money left over, I am going to catch up some of the things we are behind on.

So wish me luck!!

Preliminary budget - update

2010-03-30T08:37:00.001-05:00

OK, so I completed the preliminary budget yesterday and as it stands right now...i have about $180 left over at the end of the month. Woo Hoo!! April will be the first true test as to whether or not we can stick to it. If we can truly stick to it, then I can roll the extra money into one of the debts that is first on the list. I feel really good about this...now to just find the will power to continue to stay strong.

Budget time

2010-03-29T09:00:00.002-05:00

Ok, I finished the book last night. It was kinda funny - as I was reading thru it I realized that you are SUPPOSED to read the book like a week or so at a time. They want you to complete certain things before you move on. Whoops! Well, at least now i know the general overview and what should happen along the way. So today...I make a budget. Wish me luck - i'll come back and let you know how that goes.

Thank You Sweet Baby Jesus

2010-03-26T09:52:00.001-05:00

He GOT THE JOB!!!!!!

I can honestly say..I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are going to get thru this.

Exhausted

2010-03-25T09:19:00.003-05:00

So...exhausted...

I don't have much today as my brain is barely functioning. It's really sad, I am 30 and feel like I am closer to 80.

It's going to be a rough couple of days at work. Just really praying for the weekend to get here at this point.

Oh...and the thing that we aren't speaking about (see post below)...well...it is progressing. They are checking a few things and are moving very quickly. In the financial world, your credit is something they check...let's hope they will see that it was good credit up until 3 months ago.

Making a budget - YUCK

2010-03-22T11:59:00.003-05:00

So, one of my guardian angels sent me a book to read. The Financial Peace Planner, by Dave Ramsey. If you know this name, you know that he has done some amazing things in the world of financial budgets and getting people out of debt. I read through the first 3 or 4 chapters yesterday ...and then proceeded to get extremely depressed.

He starts the book by asking several questions and putting yourself in a category.

The Get A-Heads - "You have money left over each month after paying bills, but probably you aren't sure how to invest it. Sometimes you can't explain where the money has gone, and you find yourself saying things like "With what we make and spend, we should be able to save more".

The Currents - "You are living on the edge. You bring home the bacon each month, and you send it right back out. You ahve never been late on a payment, but you can't save."

The Troubled - "Until that unexpected event a few months ago, you were a Current. Now you are in over your head. You are thirty to sixty days delinquent on your credit cards or house or car payments and you have begun to get nasty calls. You have considered debt consolidation or other borrowing tactics just to catch up".

The Desperadoes - "You are probably close to giving up. You have thought about the B word (bankruptcy). Foaming mouthed collection monsters call your home every night during supper to threaten foreclosure on your home. You are several months behind on your car payments, making reposession imminent".

We...are in the Troubled category...although somedays I feel like we are looking down the path of the Desperadoes..

This isn't the worst category to be in, but it is really tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

So I had to put the book down for the night otherwise mommy would have been a nightmare to be around.

But today, i'm reflecting on what I read and what I need to do to get out of this situation. So I am working on our monthly budget. Hmph! there is definately more month than money. We have cut back on several of our bills, are working out payment plans with others, eating at home, taking our lunch, and there still just isn't enough. i really just can't believe we are here...at this place...in this situation, in need of so much help. But, the important thing right now is just trying to figure out how to get through. I have faith that we will make it out to the other side, I really do. I know we will be ok. One day at a time, one bill at a time, one step at a time. So the first step is to make a budget.

I'm not really sure that I will share all the details of our budget..but I will share the progress on here and some of the activities that I am asked to do throughout the book.

To my guardian angel...You are now my accountability partner. The book tells me I need one, so I am appointing it to you. I know, I know...JUST what you need is one more thing. Sorry!

On a positive note...The Man is having a second interview right now. I haven't told anyone because I feel like I jinx it everytime I say something. So if you read this...don't ask. I promise, if he gets the job, i'll tell ya! But I really just can't talk about it for fear that they will offer it to someone else. Or pull his credit...and then not offer it to him. It's funny - we have had great credit for several years now...and after 6 months, it has all gone to pot!

I have spring pictures scheduled at the school this Wednesday - God...please let it go better than the fall...please?!? I could really use this income, it would help us out greatly!

Work is ick right now...it's going to be a long week. A really long week.

Just what I needed

2010-03-15T09:21:00.003-05:00

This past weekend was JUST what I needed. The hooligans are in Oklahoma for the week and I had a fabulous engagement photo shoot. The Man and I had a wonderful conversation on the drive back and forth...we just don't get to talk near enough. It reminds me how much I love him and how thankful I am that I am married to my best friend. It also makes me sad for those that are married and don't have this kind of relationship.

We talked a lot about where we are...and where we want to be. What is keeping us here, what is it that we want and need for where we decide to end up. Selfishly...I want the sense of peace and safety that I have when I am there. It is my safe place. I can't really give any other reason other than that. I know it is selfish. I just don't know if it is ok to be selfish on this one yet.

The engagement photo shoot was great. We ate, we drank, we laughed...I made some money!! whoo hoo! for that. I absolutely love it when my client trusts me and believes in me enough to take risks that they normally wouldn't take. We sat in traffic...we walked on a ledge 14 floors up, and sat in mud...I love it! and I love that they trusted me enough to go thru it all.

Lots of laughter was what I needed, that is for sure. Depression is definately something that the women in family struggle with. Some days it is all consuming..but days like yesterday sure do help to keep me afloat. Thinking back over the last several weeks...i think it ties into my monthly cycle as well. I definately hit some of my lowest lows during that two weeks...I went 8 years without having one...and now, I feel like sometimes it is definately making up for lost time. But for now, I am on the upswing...at least today.

Someone made replied to a comment I made on Facebook last week about how positive I was...kinda made me laugh a little, because I definately don't feel very optimistic. I sure try, well, I at least try to pretend I am anyway...

Balance

2010-03-10T11:30:00.003-06:00

The last few months have no doubt been some of the hardest...just very emotional. Last night as we finished dinner and were still sitting at the table watching American Idol I started to get emotional..yeah, again. It was then that it hit me that The Man was in a pretty decent mood. I kinda laughed and told him that I was glad we balanced each other out so well. The nights that he is down and moody, I am the cheerleader and the one who tries to find the positive. There are a lot of those nights right now. But the times where I can't hold it together at home...because for some reason it usually happens at work...he is in a decent mood and can help bring me back up out of the things that make me feel like I am drowning.

I am thankful for that.

It takes a village

2010-03-08T10:33:00.002-06:00

This last week has definately shown me how much we are loved. We have had some people help us out...some financially, some have given food, some have given a shoulder to cry on, some have found ways to get The Man's resume into some job openings. While it absolutely kills me to accept the help, I know that I have needed to. I know that all I can say is thank you and that I will make plans to repay the kindness when we are back on our feet again.

We have some of the most amazing people in our lives. I am truly blessed to have a village surrounding us that has given what was needed when it seemed as though there was no way to make it thru.

I know that we will come out of this hard time, and some days it is more overwhelming than it seems I can bear, but I also know that I have an amazing group of people in my life that will help me thru...even when I don't know how to ask for it.

2010-03-03T10:50:00.002-06:00

While I know that everything will work itself out...somedays its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today is one of those days...well, maybe the last few days have been one of those days, but today it's almost overwhelming. I find myself sitting staring into nothing finding it surreal that we are back in this place. This place where there is just not enough money. I know we put ourselves here, and I know that we have to pay the price, so to speak, to get out of it...but I just can't believe we are here again. I hate that my kids are affected by it. I hate that I have no idea how i'm going to find the money to buy my daughter a birthday present much less for the food for her party. I hate that I couldn't pay for a field trip.

I am thankful that I have little angels that have helped me through and offered to help when I wasn't sure how I was going to get to work the next day because I had no gas money. That angel was kind enough that i managed to get groceries as well.

I am thankful that the electric company is working with us and our electricity won't be turned off tomorrow.

I am thankful that I have a job...and so does he.

but I hate that my kids think we are poor. I hate hate that my son asked if he could do anything to help us raise money. I hate that he went two weeks with no lunch at school because he didn't want to tell me because he was helping to save money.

I am thankful that they are such wonderful little people. I am thankful for the support system we have.

I am trying to be thankful instead of wallow in my sadness and disbelief. I am trying to be positive for all those around me.

I am tired and trying desperately to stay above the water and not let it pull me under

such a horrible blogger

2010-03-01T10:27:00.002-06:00

You know...sometimes there are just moments where Life just jumps up and swallows you whole. I think the last few months have definately been in the belly of Life...or something like it.

The Man started working in December, thank goodness for that, but unfortunately it still isn't enough money to pay the bills, much less gas and groceries. I have paid so much to the bank in NSF fees it really is ridiculous...note to self, do NOT ever put all your bills on auto pay again. When your money runs out and your pay days change...they just keep processing everything, even when there is no money...yeah, it's freakin great!

But he is working and that is what matters. He is trying to find his peace with it all and my hope is that he will get there soon. He is getting closer to accepting that we are here for a reason, but he still struggles daily with it. He is capable of so much more, but for whatever reason...here we are. We will get to a better place, just not in the timing that we had laid out :)

The hooligans are doing pretty good. We have our typical attitude melt downs...but for the most part all is well. The Girl turn 9 today. Good grief...I almost have two kids that are in double digits. It really just seems unreal. I asked the man last night if he felt like we were 30...he does. I don't. Although...I did find some gray hairs over the weekend. I'm a little bothered by that.

My work is good, very busy, but it's good. There is definately a renewed spirit around here. I'm also starting to pick up with the photography again, and really feel like this year will be full of greatness. In the meantime, I've started selling The Pampered Chef. I love their products and just figured it was a good way to earn some extra money...now i can just figure out how to book some more parties.

~Back to work...Lots to do. Let's hope, this blog doesn't go neglected for so long this time :)

Project 365 - MaddiePie

2009-12-16T09:00:00.002-06:00

Just a quick note to invite you over to the MaddiePie Creations blog to follow along with me on my Project 365 journey!

1 picture a day for 365 days...too excited!

Doubts

2009-12-09T13:29:00.003-06:00

Everyone has doubts...right?? There are some days that I take a look around and feel as though I doubt everything. I "know" others have doubts and that I am not unusual...but some times they just get a little overwhelming.

I follow MANY blogs...it's really kind of ridiculous! But they make me feel that I am a part of something larger. They are people that are...well they become family. I love to read about what is going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. Two of the blogs I follow are beautiful sisters. One is an amazing photographer, Jasmine Star, and the other is her amazing sister Bianca. These two people are so passionate about what they do and really seem to have a clear understanding of where they are headed...even if they don't always know how to get there. The funny thing is...I think they graduated high school one year after me. I get lost in their postings because they are wonderful writers. I forget we are the same age. Maybe it is because they seem so sure of their paths in life. Maybe because my life is so chaotic that I never know if I am coming or going.

I feel as though I meant to do this photography thing, but yet I have so many doubts and so many reservations. I still have so much to learn and know that I am nowhere near as good as I need to be...or as good as I can be. I have had several people make me re-evaluate if this is what I am meant to do. Maybe I am just trying to find something else to make me happy now that I am 30.

I doubt myself as a mother. I wonder if my parenting skills will permanently mess up my kids in the future. I worry that all the drama of being a teenager and (almost) preteen will scar them for life. I worry that I haven't given them the tools and self assurance to make good decisions when faced with peer pressure. I worry that we fight too much.

Bianca's post today was about listening for the answers when you ask God questions. The Man and I just had this conversation not too long ago. I didn't grow up in a religious family so I don't have a super strong faith to fall back on. I believe there is a God and I believe that He has a plan for me. But I think I also expect that when people say God told them this or that...they had this conversation with him, like I would have with someone face to face or on the phone. I want clear cut answers. I want to know why. I want to be reassured that we are doing the right things. I want to know what my next step is supposed to be or at least that the one i just took was the right one.

I want to have a few less doubts...and know that I am walking down a road that I am meant to walk down. I want some peace. I want to be sure...sure of who I am, the person I am meant to be, and the things that I am meant to do in my life.

MaddiePie update

2009-12-04T22:25:00.004-06:00

I have been a busy girl!!

Head over to the MaddiePie Blog to check out some more recent sessions

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Busy Girl

2009-11-19T21:00:00.002-06:00

Thru it all, I have stayed extremely busy. Head over to the MaddiePie Blog and check out some of my latest sessions.

MaddiePie Candles are also back. Each year around the holidays I make candles. So many different scents this year! They are officially ready so send me an email if you are interested!
maddiepiecreations@yahoo.com

As of this coming Monday I will also be an Avon Representative. Avon has really changed over the years and have greatly improved their products. It is the only makeup I wear now...and if you know how picky I am about my makeup, then you know that is saying alot.

I guess I figure, if I stay super busy I won't really have time to wallow in my poor pitiful me mentality. Then again, if it all goes well...maybe eventually I can not work full time and do these things that I enjoy!

Going Dark

2009-11-17T09:17:00.003-06:00

I am trying really hard to keep my head above water...and just keep swimming. But man some days it is tough. So I apologize that I haven't blogged too much lately. It's really tough to stay positive and I am a firm believer that no one wants to hear me whining about how rough things are right now.

In fact, I was even told last week that no one really likes to hear me whine. So the best I can do right now is just stay a little quiet and go a little dark. At least on the bad days...

Holidays are here and I am no where close to being ready. In laws are coming this weekend for Thanksgiving, lots to do to get things in order. Then the mad rush for Christmas begins. Everything is going to be homemade this year. Now to just figure out what to get the hooligans.

Oh!! The Boy turns 13 Thursday. That should be interesting.

The Boy

2009-11-04T10:36:00.003-06:00

The Boy is trying out for basketball today and started back up with the select soccer team...AND he has regional tryouts for band next weekend. Busy? yeah, maybe just a little.

His grades are slipping because he extremely lazy when it comes to his classes...how do you motivate someone?

The greatest thing through all of this though (The Man not working) is that their relationship has grown considerably. The Boy is really starting to open up and talk and ask questions.

Some questions I would rather not know about...but I guess you can't be picky.

He really is struggling right now, trying to find out who he is and how he fits into the puzzle. He got super upset the other day because he is not, tall, strong, athletic, and handsome. While he is in my eyes, I do understand that compared to the other boys he is surrounded by, he does not measure up physically. We had a long conversation about how he needs to learn to be comfortable in his own skin and know that he is an amazing person and THAT is what really matters. I know that it isn't important right now, but in the long run, he has to be ok with who he is in spite of his physical appearance.

Of course, as I tell him all of this, I also acknowledge that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin until just a few years ago. I hope he finds his way LONG before I did.

So Blessed

2009-11-04T10:29:00.003-06:00

I was wrapping up a session and getting it posted on the MaddiePie blog and was a little overwhelmed by how very blessed I am. I have some of the best people sprinkled throughout my life. Some of these people love me for me and just knowing that makes it all worthwhile.

Our lives have been extremely chaotic over last few months and some days it really does feel like the weight of the world is crashing down around me. But it is in these moments, that I know that I will rise above all the madness and continue on trudging through. It is in these moments that I know that I have a great support system and if nothing else they will lift me up and not allow us sink.

Crazy Busy

2009-10-28T10:52:00.003-05:00

Sorry for my lack of blogging. It has been crazy busy. Work is crazy, school is crazy, photography is crazy, kids are DEFINITELY crazy!!

The Girl is wrapping up softball and cheer - thank goodness

The Boy is getting involved in athletics in school now that his heart has been cleared. He is also gearing up for regionals in Band. The band teacher said that he thinks he has a REALLY good chance at making it into the regionals band...yay Boy! He is slacking on his grades so we are attempting to get him refocused...good luck with that. He is just way lazy about it all.

The Man is still searching for jobs. We have our fingers crossed on a really good prospect right now..but he is getting nervous. We have faith that everything is going to work out, but some days our faith waivers.

My photography feels like it is really going somewhere..but then again this is the busy time of year for family portraits. I have GOT to figure out some ways to get business booked for the beginning of the year. I need some marketing ideas. Some ideas that will get people motivated to keep booking with me after the rush of the holidays.

The school pictures went well - I am almost done editing them and will be able to open them up for the parents. I am really super scared about it. I mean REALLY nervous.

Right now, I am working on getting plans made for going to Vegas to a photography convention. I am so very excited about it!! I really hope it all works out.

It is crazy the amount of money it takes to get a business going. I knew it took a lot, but there is always something that I run across that I think, WOW I could really use that. That would be so beneficial. OMGosh I REALLY would like to go to that workshop.

So that is our lives in a nutshell...just crazy! For now, back to work... and tonight..back to editing. Man it's almost of a full time job!

Good news

2009-10-08T14:42:00.002-05:00

Great news really. The Boy's heart is completely fine. There are NO holes in his heart. We can go two ways with this one. Either the original dr that looked at the echo didn't read it right and instead of saying to us that they didn't get good images and we needed to come in - he decided to diagnose The Boy with a hole in his heart. Or Door #2 says that all of the prayers worked.

I think I will go with Door #2. Thank you to everyone who prayed for my hooligan. He is VERY relieved and is excited to get back to sports, and life in general without having this craziness weighing so heavily on him.

Tomorrow

2009-10-07T21:56:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the day we go to the cardiologist. I have done really well the last week or so and haven't burst into tears. It took me a good week + to be able to say what was going on with The Boy's heart without just completely sobbing like an idiot. I had to remind myself that there is a plan and everything happens for a reason.

But now that we are here...just 12 hours from meeting with this new doctor, I am scared to death. I am so scared of hearing bad news. But I do know in my heart that it will be ok, whatever the outcome is. I know that I am so very blessed to have made it 12 (almost 13) years without finding out about this hole in some other horrible manner. We are here today for a reason. He is a remarkable kid and I know that everything will be ok.

But...I am sick to my stomach. I am praying that regardless of the news I am able to maintain my composure in front of him. He knows I am a worrier...so is he. I want to be his rock. I want to be the strong one that reassures him that no matter what the course of treatment is...it is all going to be ok.

So now that today is done and we have tucked both of the hooligans in their beds and hollered up the stairs to be quiet more times than we care to count...I am wishing that tomorrow would wait just a little bit longer.

On the flip side, I am happy that tomorrow is here. We will have a plan. I will be able to ask all the questions floating around in my head. We will know where this journey is going to start. We will be able to hopefully receive a little bit of reassurance.

Our doctor is new to this hospital. I noticed on all of the paperwork i filled out that his name was not on any of it. I pray that he is knowledgeable, compassionate, comforting, and spiritual. I pray that he isn't new to medicine. I pray that he will know best. I pray...that he says a prayer.

Tonight The Boy went to church and talked about his heart. This is the first time I think he has done this. They prayed over him. I pray that it was enough.

I know that tomorrow is only going to leave me with more questions...and that is ok. It will be a start. A start to something....good news or not so good news...it will be a start. More than anything, it is another day. We will take it one day at a time and trust in those around us, those far away, and those up above that our prayers will give us peace with whatever we learn tomorrow.

Where have all the blog posts gone??

2009-10-06T16:02:00.002-05:00

I am terribly sorry that I haven't blogged in so long. Busy just really doesn't even describe my life right now...we are so far beyond that. Even the drive home isn't long enough to make all the phone calls needed.

The Girl has been crazy busy with sports. Every Saturday we have two softball games and a football game for cheer. In between all of that I have been busy reworking the MaddiePie Creations website and securing the contract for the school pictures. I've also got my classes going on so homework in the evenings...at this point, I'm just praying for passing grades. The Boy has his appointment with the Cardiologist this Thursday. Woo Hoo!

The Man is working so very hard on finding a job. He had a really great interview Monday and now we are just waiting for a follow up phone call. He feels really good about it - so PLEASE PLEASE say a prayer.

My work is insane to say the least. Crazy, crazy. The end of the year is always very busy for our group with performance reviews and ramping up for Open Enrollment. Not to mention all the usual daily stuff that goes on.

I am booking up for October and November. It is so very exciting. I can't believe how many sessions I already have scheduled. I really feel like great things are to come.

I have some pictures to download of the kids...when I find time.

Off I go...The Man is earning brownie points tonight and treating me to something special! Woo Hoo!

Rainy days

2009-10-01T09:50:00.002-05:00

Ugh, it's raining again today. I know we need it, blah blah blah...but man I am so tired of the rain. It doesn't really help too much with the mood either. I find myself very quiet and reserved these rainy days. I have a hard enough time focusing on work, because truth be told, I would much rather be ANYWHERE but here. I have so many things to work on and so many things on my to do list and homework and sleep. Oh I could sleep for days. I could just crawl in bed turn on the TV and sleep. Maybe that's why nothing ever seems to get done...every free moment i have i sleep. hmmmm, might need to re-evaluate that approach.

I want sunshine, I want cool 75 degree days. I want some free time. I want to be ahead of my to-do list not so far behind it that I can't sleep for thinking about everything that I need to get done.

Stinkin' rain always makes me a little blue.

Woo! What a weekend

2009-09-27T20:21:00.002-05:00

This weekend was jam packed..and I am exhausted. It is 8:00pm and I am currently trying to figure out how to go to sleep without anyone noticing.

Yesterday, The Girl had two softball games and a football game to cheer. Then both kids spent the night with some friends. This morning started off with a baby shoot and then a boudoir shoot this afternoon. Super super busy.

Right now we are watching The Wizard Of Oz. Did you know this movie was made in 1939??? That just seems crazy to me. The Man told the kids tonight that Nanny & Papa grew up watching this movie. That really blew my mind. It's funny how we don't think of those things. It's hard to imagine a movie has stood the test of time like this one and still makes little kids glaze over and fall in love with it.

The Boy thought he was too cool to watch it...but as he ran to change into his pj's he asked me to pause the movie. I decided NOT to tease him about it and just enjoy the moment.

Sneak Peek at the M Family

2009-09-20T18:25:00.002-05:00

Head over to see the sneak peek from the M Family this weekend.

http://maddiepiecreations.blogspot.com

Whew...what a week!

2009-09-17T21:33:00.002-05:00

and it's still not over.

This week has actually been really well. The Man has connected with a couple of companies for jobs, my contract was extended at work, I got a slight rate increase, I signed a contract to do school pictures for a local private school, I reconnected with a friend...

But it has been such an emotional couple of weeks...I am exhausted. truly worn out.

We have searched for halloween costumes...fought with the kids...done homework, theirs and mine, and now...I'm watching an old Dane Cook standup show on Comedy Central. He is so completely inappropriate...but so freakin' funny.

Monday The Man turns 30 so we are having two birthday parties for him this weekend..starting tomorrow night.

This weekend is so busy...ready for this

Friday night - birthday party #1 for The Man

Saturday - family pictures at 1:00, football game at 5:00, birthday party #2 at 7:00

Sunday - newborn pictures at 10:00 and....well, there is something else...but I don't know what it is just yet

and then we are back to Monday... I swear it's like a race around here sometimes.

Thank you

2009-09-17T12:04:00.002-05:00

You know who you are. Thank you for calling me today. Thank you for reaching out and reading this blog and taking the time to call me.

I love you.

I truly hope that this is a turning point and we can continue on our journey together.

I meant it when i said i expected to be two little old ladies together. You are a part of my heart and my life.

just know that i love you, and thank you.

Update on post below

2009-09-14T14:55:00.001-05:00

OK, i waited...really, I did....

Long enough for The Man to get me the phone number :)

We have an appt on Oct. 8...dang that's a long time. But we have an appt. That means we are one step closer to figure out what is going on and how we got here.

Update on The Boy and his heart

2009-09-14T12:38:00.002-05:00

We know nothing. No seriously, nothing. I called last Thursday because Friday would have been a week since our dr. called us and told us to go see the ped. cardiologist. So...i waited oh so patiently for the cardiologist office to call us with an appt day. Well by the time Thursday rolled around, i wasn't patient any more.

I mean really, how long does it truly take to get an office to call you to set up an appt. Call me and tell me the appts are booked 3 and 4 weeks out...THAT i can handle. But not waiting for a call to tell me to wait for the appt.

So my dr.'s nurse called Friday morning (a week from the original call with the bad news) and said that she saw where the information had been sent over to the referral dept., but she thinks they haven't updated their system...yeah....right.

40 minutes later i get a call from the referral department, which is ironically in the same building as the doctor, and she tells me that she faxed over the paperwork...just now.

REALLY???? I know that this isn't her kid and she probably doesn't make a whole lot of money taking care of referrals...but come on!

So i confirm what she just said "so....it just got sent over today?"

"YES, i just sent it over today" with attitude

Lady...there is a part of me that hopes you got into some kind of trouble for not doing your job. I know I should rise above it and just assume that you are having a rough time and all...but really?? If my doctor brings you the information, or submits it electronically on Friday...how in the world does it take you 4 1/2 business days to get it faxed over, when you just did it in 40 minutes. Because I KNOW my doctors nurse walked over to you to find out what was going on.

So we are still waiting...I wonder if it's rude to call the cardiologist's office today??

I'll wait...for a few minutes anyway.

How do you know?

2009-09-14T10:19:00.003-05:00

How do you know where you are supposed to go? How do you know which path you are supposed to take?

We have been presented with an opportunity that could really swing either way. Either this is a sign telling us where we are supposed to be...or it is just really ironic that it has been presented to us when we are not financially ready to make a decision. It isn't going to help us financially AT ALL...but maybe this is His way of forcing us to cut back on our frivolous lifestyle.

Honestly, I can spin it either way...

I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. But at what point do you take that leap of faith or do you be realistic and turn down an opportunity???

Why can't we pray and hear a resounding voice in our head that says YES DO THIS OR NO THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME?

I know The Wise One tells me Short Term Sacrifices For Long Term Goals...but how do you know when it's a good idea??

Just Keep Swimming...

2009-09-08T11:33:00.002-05:00

In trying to be positive and optimistic about all of the changes in our lives right now...I am constantly looking for things that make me smile. I was busy the other day and trying super hard to stay optimistic and strong and this popped in my head. Seriously...she cracks me up!

This is exactly how I feel most days. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

So in my attempt to just take things one day at a time, and put one foot in front of the other...Just keep swimming!

The Boy and his heart

2009-09-05T20:42:00.002-05:00

I have hesitated to write anything about our current issues with The Boy and his heart, but then I decided that I love my blog and I love those that come here and read. Not that we are super exciting, but I still love you for checking in on us.

Several weeks ago before school started The Boy had to have a physical done to participate in athletics. Things were moving along quite nicely until the doctor rolled her chair across the room and said to me that she couldn't clear him. HUH? She heard a heart murmur and we would have to go to the children's hospital to have an echocardiogram done. She tells me that 90% of these murmurs are harmless. She sent us on our merry way to wait on an appointment date.

Last wednesday was the scheduled echo. Everything went fine, it was an ultrasound of his heart. It was actually pretty cool to watch. We were told the cardiologist would review the test, write his report, and send it over to our doctor. So we waited on a call from the doctor.

The doctor called yesterday (Friday) and said that unfortunately there was a problem indicated with the echo. The Boy has a ventricular septal defect or more simply said, a hole in his heart. She wanted to stress that it was a small hole. Treatment for this is dependent on the size. Only the cardiologist can tell us how big the hole is and what the treatment will be. There are two options, if it is small enough then they will just monitor it and leave it alone. If it is a certain size or bigger, they will do heart surgery and put a patch on the hole. So we are waiting for the appt with the cardiologist.

We do a lot of waiting...noticed that theme yet?

We are choosing to be very positive and believe that it will be very small and we will just monitor it closely.

In the meantime, we have chosen to take him out of all sports. Small hole...big hole...we just can't risk anything happening to him until the cardiologist clears him. He isn't very happy about this, but I hope that he will understand that we are doing this to keep him safe.

So say a little prayer and believe with us that it will be itty bitty.

Proud

2009-09-04T11:20:00.004-05:00

I am so very proud of The Man. He is an amazing person and I am so blessed to be married to him. We have had some really low points in our marriage, but he always continues to rise above it all.

He recently lost his job...like last Tuesday! So we are in a funny position where we absolutely rely on his income for our family and cannot do without. We are good financially until probably late October. However, he has not let that fact stop him or delay him looking for a job.

He gets up every morning and gets the kids ready, fed and off to school. He comes home and immediately starts looking and applying for jobs. When he gets tired of looking online he goes and does some work around the house.

I swear it's better than having a nanny! I love him for making sure that everything is taken care of when I get home.

He does the laundry, cooks dinner, is currenlty working on some household repairs. He even makes my lunch for me before I leave for work everyday.

I personally would have slept for a week...but nope, he is dedicated to making sure that he is making a difference. I love him and appreciate him so much for that.

Here is a typical day looks like for him
6:45 get up and get the kids ready
7:15 make my lunch and get the kids fed breakfast
7:30 take the kids to school
8:00 starts pulling up all the job listings and local banks in the area
9:00 - 4:00 continues looking for jobs, networking, interviewing and working around the house
4:30 picks up The Girl from school and gets both kids started on homework
4:45-5:00 makes dinner
5:30 gets kids dressed for practice

this is around the time that i get home and then we go to practice and home again to take showers and go to bed.

He is applying to banking jobs primarily...but has also applied to other management jobs. He knows that he HAS to find a job and isn't too proud to do what it takes. He will work at the gas station if necessary. He will scrub toilets. He will get two jobs if need be.

I appreciate him for putting our family first and doing what it takes to find a job, but also what it takes to make things a little easier for me.

Thank you! So very much!

New Opportunity

2009-09-04T09:58:00.002-05:00

I don't want to talk about it...because honestly i'm scared everyone will get as excited as I am right now...and then it won't happen. So I'm not going to give you the details. Just know that I have been presented with a great photography opportunity and please pray super hard that it will come to fruition!!

Hopefully, I will be able to share details soon.

Perfect People

2009-09-02T08:37:00.003-05:00

Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live

and that's how we try

Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scared
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

These are the lyrics to a song by Natalie Grant called Perfect People. I was driving home the other day and this song came on. I have heard it several times but today I listened closely to the words. It really hit home.

I am not one to share my feelings, I try really hard not to break down in front of others. I hate to cry. I don't typically vent about my problems to my co-workers unless its about my kids. I never intentionally tried to be this way...I just always figured that me complaining about really didn't make it any better and why would others want to hear me moan and groan.

With everything that is going on in our family's life right now I feel as though I have to be even stronger. I do it naturally. I am the one in any situation that can keep it together. That's my job.

I remember being in high school, pregnant, and in a car wreck and with 3 other girls. I was the calm one. I was the one reassuring everyone. I should have gone to the hospital but I knew my families financial situation and chose to believe that everything would be ok with the baby.

I remember sitting in a hospital bed in the emergency room with my four year old after his head had been busted open. He's screaming and scared to death and I crawled up in the bed with him and held him while the proceeded to stitch up his forehead. I was calm, I was in control.

I'm not always the calm one though, I do have my moments where I really loose it. But I try to keep those to a minimum. I am the friend that you can cry to, complain to, talk it out with. I am the one that is responsible and reliable.

A couple of years ago a girl I worked with told me she admired me because I was so put together and in control of things. She thought I could handle anything. I remember thinking she was absolutely crazy because my life is out of control. I feel like I am a big scrambled mess. What did she mean?? It was then that I realized that I was really good at appearing to have it all under control.

What she didn't know...inside my head, it's a crazy place. It's full of tears and screaming and laughing...and every other emotion you can imagine.

As the song says, There's no such thing as perfect people, and I know this...I don't view myself as perfect, in fact I am the first one to tell you that I am so far from it.

Recent conversations have made me wish I was a better communicator. I wish I relied on others a little more. I want to let down that wall a little bit, really I do...

But what if you don't see me as having it all together...

Work from home

2009-08-30T19:26:00.003-05:00

The Girl cracks me up...almost daily. Tonight as I sit here and work on my homework and The Man looks for a job on the other computer, she comes in and asks him why he is always looking for bank jobs. He just kinda looks at her funny and this is the conversation that followed:

The Man: ...because i'm a banker??

The Girl: Yeah, but I don't want you to work at a bank, I want you to stay home so you can pick me up from parent pick up every day from school.

The Man: I have to get a job honey or we can't afford to pay for anything

The Girl: Well, why can't you just work from home...you know, get a work computer and do your work from home.

She cracks me up and it really makes me appreciate her innocence.

Support a good cause

2009-08-27T11:13:00.002-05:00

Please pass this link around...Photographers around the country are uniting to raise money for research. Head on over to MaddiePie Creations to get more info and join me in making a difference!!

MaddiePie Creations Blog

Re-writing songs

2009-08-27T08:13:00.002-05:00

Music is such a big influence in my family. It is weird to me that people don't listen to music in their cars. It is wonderful to turn on the satellite radio on the TV during dinner instead of TV. I love music and because of that my kids love music. The Boy has really found a passion for music and is currently using the trombone for that outlet.

The Girl...well she sings. She LOVES to sing. She doesn't sing very well...but she sings with all her might. And I love her for that.

Now keep in mind she is 8. There are PLENTY of songs that are not appropriate for her to sing. As we are standing in the bathroom this morning she starts singing this song..(sidenote: we like country, so if you don't, you won't know this song) "I gave up smokin', women, drinkin'...it was the best 15 minutes of my life"

Me: "Whoa! Honey, I don't think that is a very good song for you to be singing. "
The Girl: "Sure it is mommy, it is about becoming drug free!"

- God love her...she is completely convinced that what the song is all about.

Me: "Yes, but honey...I just don't think it's very appropriate"

The Girl: "OK! "I got my toes in the water..." (this song starts)
Me: "WOW! Not that one either"
The Girl: "No mommy, Daddy said it was ok. You know, the song that says "toes in the water, somethin' in the sand"?"
Me: yes
The Girl: "Well daddy said I could say "Toes in the Water, Toes in the Sand""
Me: "well, ok. that is fine"

So she goes right back to singing as loud as she can with all of her heart. I'm just laughing at her sweet innocence...

The Girl: "I got my toes in the water, toes in the sand. not a worry in the world a cold beer in my hand...."

Me: "Wait! How about a cold DRINK in my hand?? That might be better than BEER??"

The Girl: Big sigh..."okay!"

It really is kinda funny to listen to her sing songs that are on the radio. She either makes up her own words because what she hears is COMPLETELY different than what is actually being said, and sometimes that's a good thing. Or we have to re-write the songs because they use inappropriate words. ~All in a days work!

Later this morning, I recount this message to The Man. He starts laughing and says they heard the Toes in the Water song yesterday in the car and he belted out "I got my toes in the water" and she followed suit with "Ass in the sand"...stopped abrubtly and got a little scared because she said a bad word. She then proceeded to blame it on him because he started it, meaning he started singing that part. He told her that he didn't make her sing that line...and that is when they determined that it should be "Toes in the Water, Toes in the Sand".

Gotta love them!

1st day of school...done!

2009-08-26T08:44:00.002-05:00

I wonder how long the newness will last of school starting again.

Today is day two of the school year. Both kids still jumped right out of bed, got dressed, ate breakfast, The Girl had to change clothes, brushed teeth, brushed hair, put on deoderant (an ABSOLUTE must), and were ready to go in plenty of time. The Boy has decided he wants to try the whole bus thing again, and sure enough he was out the door in plenty of time.

So how long do you REALLY think it's going to last?

First day was a good day for both. The Girl didn't really have too much to say about it, for her it was more about seeing her friends. The Boy had LOTS to say...here's a recap

~ One of his teachers...he can't figure out how to say her name, is REALLY BORING!
~ He has to have his physical completed by Friday or he gets removed from Athletics...I'm working on it people!!
~ He made it into the Advanced Band (A) ...I don't really know what the (A) is, but apparently it's a big deal. He is one of five trombones and only two of the five are 7th graders...Woo Hoo!!

So one day down...and it was a success!

Do you hear that??

2009-08-25T09:07:00.002-05:00

No...you don't hear that? Hmmm...oh wait, that is silence. That is the sound of my cell phone not ringing 18 times a day. That is the sound of my children not fighting with each other. Ahhh...it's a great sound.

Today was their first day of school. I walked The Girl in to her class (which is ALL the way at the end of the building) and got her supplies put up. She was trying to look cool, special, and hot stuff all the way to her class. I know she was looking to see if she saw any of her friends. By the time we got to her class she could barely contain herself. She was almost frantic trying to take it all in. She gave me a great big hug before I left...and it was then that I remembered that she loves me. Through it all...she loves me.

After the million mile walk back to my car it was The Boy's turn to be dropped off at school. He insisted I drop him off at the corner. WHAT??? No...that wouldn't be ANY kind of fun. I proceeded to tell him that, No, I wouldn't be dropping him off at the corner. I was going to park and walk him in also (sidenote: he's in 7th grade this year) and before leaving I was going to plant a great big smacker on his cheek! Wait...where's my lipstick?? "Mawwwwwmmmmmm, no! please please please don't go in" (insert evil mom laughter here)

So I relented, I dropped him off in front of the school. But you know what?? He climbed over to my seat and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He loves me too.

I hope they have great days today. This is the beginning of another fun filled year. I can't wait to see what they learn, what they accomplish, what they are capable of. It's going to be a great year.

...and they love me

A note to The Girl's Teacher

2009-08-24T10:20:00.002-05:00

I am hoping the teacher wants some insight into the girl...I would.

Good morning,

I hope you are ready for school to start tomorrow, I know The Girl sure is. I wanted to take a moment and send you an email about her. I am never really sure if the teachers sit down or leave notes for future teachers…although I think it is a GREAT idea. Here a couple of things you should probably know about The Girl…

1. She is a talker. I promise you the only time she doesn’t talk is in her sleep. It’s been that way since she was a baby and it has only progressed since then. She will wear you out with it, but she is pretty funny to listen to.

2. She has a heart of gold. She is a pleaser. Not only does she want to make the kids laugh, but she wants to make you happy as well. If she knows you are pleased with her, she will work wonders for you.

3. #2 seems to get in the way a lot, because she REALLY wants her friends to think she is funny, cool, and the life of the party. She has a hard time knowing when to draw the line.

4. She has a problem lying. She does it instinctually. It is her first reaction…even over something so very little that it doesn’t make sense. We have worked and worked and worked on this. But it continues.

5. She is incredibly smart…I know, I’m her mom and I am biased. But when she is bored…this is when she is going to act out. I know this is typical with a lot of kids, just please keep it in mind. She loves to help and feel special…if you can help her find a way to help you, it will cut down on a lot of the problems.

6. She needs structure, and a strong willed teacher. She needs tough love.

Have I scared you yet? I just wanted you to know a little about her before the year gets started. She will love you so very much, but please know that she will test you in every way you can imagine and then she might even find a new way.

I am so very willing to work with you in every way possible. Please let me know what you need from me to help make the year successful. I am always open to suggestions and always willing to try something new.

Signed...Crazy mom (ok, not really. I didn't sign it like this, but it is pretty true.)

MaddiePie Creations - Mini-Session {tutu}

2009-08-20T16:30:00.002-05:00

Don't forget the little ones in all the hub bub of back to school. Book a mini-session for that sweet little girl!

Click HERE for the details!!

Cry Babies

2009-08-20T11:02:00.002-05:00

I have the cry babies today. I HATE to cry. I really really hate to cry. For no good reason. Maybe tired, maybe stressed, maybe hormonal...maybe all the above.

I just left a meeting with my boss and seriously teared up twice. How embarressing! Fortunately she is a girl...but still.

I have GOT to get a grip.

Water Challenge

2009-08-19T09:27:00.003-05:00

I do NOT drink enough water. In fact, I really don't ever drink water. Don't like it, and sure don't have the time it takes to go to the bathroom if I drink a lot of it.

I know I know, try squeezing a lemon in it...I don't like that either. That just tastes like watered down lemonade.

So Crystal Light has started a water challenge and if you see above, you will see the widget that helps me track how much water i'm drinking. I am ALL for fun stuff, so maybe this will make me want to do it. Maybe...

Wish me luck - you can follow along with me or you can join in the fun too. Click here if you want to learn more.

by the way...I think they should have a "trips to the bathroom" widget. :)

The phone

2009-08-18T15:51:00.002-05:00

Well...we had to take The Boy's cell phone away from him...and lo and behold he became a great, normal, kid that is part of the family. This weekend we will lay out the new rules and he has this week to prove to us that he can be responsible. He now understands that one more lapse back into Mr. Hateful will cause him to lose his phone for good....FOREVER. Well, at least until he can pay for it.

Took him to get his physical today, hellooooo awkward. I had to stay in there as the chaperone since the dr. was a female. HOLY MOLY!! Not a fun place for The Boy, or for mom.

Turns out The Boy does have some things going on that require further testing, but we are choosing to remain positive and believe that everything is going to be just fine.

He also grew another 1/2 inch in 6 weeks. Woo Hoo!! Finally catching up to the other boys his age.

So with that little nugget of good news...I'm going back to work. Hopefully we will now find the balance between The Boy with cell phone and The Boy without cell phone.

Rope

2009-08-17T13:29:00.002-05:00

How many times can I be at the end of my rope?? I hate that I don't like my kids right now. Don't get me wrong...Love them...but seriously, this is getting ridiculous.

How is it that when The Boy is getting in trouble, I take his phone away for punishment and he becomes this great kid...I give it back because he proved he can be good and he becomes a BUTT. He gets this "I'm hot $#!% attitude". It has become a vicious cycle and I have no idea how to stop it.

The Girl...oh LORD! Her lying and her defiance...and just her overall demeanor. It makes me a freakin basket case.

something has to change...but what??

You have to really know my kids to truly understand. These are two kids that don't respond to punishment, not spanking, not taking things that matter them, not guilt, not talking to them, not time out, not...anything.

I am barely holding on to the end of the rope...in fact some days i think they have tied it in a noose and are quietly slipping it over my head.

MaddiePie Creations - check it out!

2009-08-17T10:06:00.002-05:00

Two blogs is getting a little tough :) I may eventually settle on just one...but for now, go check out the MaddiePie Creations blog. Pics from the wedding were posted over the weekend.

Summer Days

2009-08-12T15:56:00.003-05:00

Summer is quickly coming to an end...well at least the days of no school is coming to an end. It's still crazy hot.

We are fortunate to have a pool (although i don't think i'll ever be able to sell the house because of it) and we get occassional visitors. We live in a new neighborhood so we have no trees, so the visitors aren't usually to yucky.

But we still have to go frog hunting every once in a while....

Uncertainty

2009-08-11T10:14:00.004-05:00

It's funny to me sometimes how life can be moving along and then it feels as though you have slammed into a brick wall of uncertainty. It definately makes me wish I was a better money manager so that I could afford to not have to rely on working full time.

While my job situation has been chaotic over the last year to say the least, it hasn't ever really been all that stressful. I have always believed that it would work out...and thankfully, it always has.

The Man's job has been a rollercoaster for the last 2 years. It literally can change from day to day and sometimes several times within a day. He works for someone who I SWEAR has to be bi-polar or have some other mental unstability. The last 2 months have gotten extraordinarily bad and we feel as though The Man can no longer 'ride it out' and wait for things to get better. So we have started the process of him looking for a job. Obviously not the best time because of the economy, but it still must be done.

We are both trying so desperately to hold on to faith and believe that something will come along. Even if it is not what we hope for, something is going to happen and we choose to believe that something good will come out of it.

As he searched for jobs online at our desk and I sat on the bed working on homework last night, I could see the defeat all over him. He is so great at what he does and he has such a gift for teaching people...but how do you transfer that into a new industry. All he knows is banking. It's all he has ever done. After a while he snuggled up next to me and it broke my heart because I know he is loosing hope for finding something great. We are both so stressed out and it is so hard to hold each other up when we both feel so weak.

We are at a funny place because we moved here and made so much more money than we were making before and we just racked up a ton of debt. Now we are having to figure out ways to get it all paid down so that these things don't control our lives. There is so much we want to do, including my photography business, but can't seem to figure out how to get there financially.

Maybe this is His way of getting us back on track.

It's been a busy week

2009-08-10T08:56:00.003-05:00

Last week was crazy...so very busy. Good, but busy. The hooligans were out of town and it was a much needed break for all 4 of us. MUCH NEEDED.

Between trying to wrap up the last week of my ethics class and working full time (and a week of date nights :) ) I had several photography related things going on too. I did the bridal shoot, a family shoot, and squeezed in a couple of lovebirds at the same time. This weekend was the wedding and while I wasn't the "official" photographer for the wedding, I still took some amazing shots...those are to come next week. But for now, here are some of my favorites over the last week.

Thoughts

2009-08-04T15:42:00.003-05:00

If you haven't noticed by now...I have LOTS of thoughts going on in my head, it's crazy in here. It's all very random and if you are a friend on my facebook you will see that there is a constant musical soundtrack going on in there...It's really funny when everyone "sings" along with your status - LOVE IT!

But recently I have a lot of thoughts about my photography. I want to make that leap but financially we are not in a position where I can just jump in with both feet. I finally got the camera and lenses that I needed, now I just need to get the studio created...but of course, that takes money and time. Both of which I currently am NOT in excess of.

It's kinda funny because when I think about it...it really isn't going to take that much money. But it's money nonetheless. So I have decided to just make a list of the things I need and slowly start checking them off. I am putting that list here, because it helps me be accountable.

So here we go. Things I need to create the indoor studio:

- curtains to block of the room to the upstairs
- floatable hardwood floor
- background stand
- seamless paper rolls - white, black, and gray
- light kit
- futon type mattress
- white linens
- fuzzy blankets
- funky colorful chairs..just one or two
- curtains for the windows (white sheer type)

OK, so that is what I need to get started...and then of course some fun props, but those can wait. The 1st half of the list are the essentials to get started, the 2nd 1/2 of the list are the things that needed to be added VERY soon.

As I think thru these things I have to stop and wonder, ok so what type of photography am I going to do in the studio. I don't want to do families up there because I think families in a studio are too stuffy and doesn't capture the essence of the family. I visualize some kids photography and perhaps some boudoir sessions. I have so many ideas floating around in my head and really want to get them out and materialized into some pictures.

I have also been thinking alot about my photography in general. I think I have spent so much time blog stalking other photographers and trying to recreate their techniques that I have lost the style that I want to have. I have gone into the last couple of sessions and have been so preoccupied with trying to get the images that I have seen on other blogs that it has become too stressful. I think I need to take a few steps back and re-evaluate what I want my images to accomplish. How I want to portray my photography style.

I have a family shoot coming up this week and I am absolutely terrified because I feel as though I have no idea what to do, how to communicate with them, how to make them feel comfortable. I need to step back and just trust in myself and know that I can do it.

See...told you it was crazy inside this head of mine.

Friday Fragments

2009-07-31T09:28:00.002-05:00

There are several blogs out there that participate in random things throughout the week. Friday Fragments is always a good one for me, because there are so many thoughts that run around in my head and they aren't always worthy of a full post...so, introducing ...my Friday Fragments.

~ Today the hooligans are headed out of town for 10 fun filled days with Nanny and Papa. Thank goodness. Love them dearly - but momma needs a break.

~ Yesterday The Girl started cheer practice and...wow! As I watched this group of 4-12 year old girls break up into groups for smaller group practices I was amazed. Amazed at how sweet the girls look, how short their shorts were, and how some of the cheers went. I'm not real sure that The Girl needs to "break it on down to the beat". What does that mean you might be asking? let's just say she is dropping it like it is hot. i.e. think stripper moves

~ Tonight The Man and I are going dancing. I love love love to dance. Love it! There are few things that make me happier. Our group that is going is growing considerably... I think we have around 14 people right now...HOLY MOLY! The control freak in me is well, freaking out a little bit. We still don't know what time we are going, or where we are eating, or who is meeting who where. Deep breaths...it is all gonna be ok.

~ My mind has gone in 30 different directions this week regarding my photography. Right now I am thinking alot about the indoor studio. Things I want to do, how I want to set it up, what "stuff" I will need. I am actually considering doing a boudoir session. I have personally done one and really enjoyed it and loved the outcome. I think I wish it had been a little more classy and not so much like a pinup model. I look at the images and don't feel like they are a true representation of me. I have it all in my mind and just need to figure out how to make it become a reality.

~ I have a bridal session tomorrow and I am scared to death that something is going to happen to the dress. We are a week away from her wedding, what if something gets on the dress? What if she sits down in the car and the zipper busts out? What if ...ok really these could just go on and on. What if I am not able to capture the images I want? What if I am not able to capture the images she wants? My fear really takes over some days.

Off to get things finished up so we can get on the road...hooligans...you better enjoy your time away. There are gonna be some changes when you get back. I don't know those changes are just yet...but there are gonna be some changes.

10 days

2009-07-30T21:40:00.002-05:00

Noon...tomorrow, at noon. I will be kidless for 10 days. Woo Hoo!! Raise your hands...holla!

No kids for 10 WHOLE DAYS!!!

don't get me wrong, I love my kids. More than life itself.

But 10 days with no phone calls in the middle of the day about who touched what and who won't leave this alone...oMG i just can't wait.

Out of my mind

2009-07-29T15:04:00.003-05:00

So apparently I lost my mind at some point yesterday. I agreed to do the local Harvest Run in September. It's only a 5K so it isn't THAT big of a deal...unless you happen to want to fall over and die after about....oh....a block.

Seriously I am probably one of the laziest people you will ever meet. I mean REAL lazy. I was blessed with a great metabolism as a kid an in my early 20s, but that started a downhill sloap about 6 years ago. One day I got in my car at the end of the day and realized that my dress no longer fit. I actually had a crazy moment and thought "am I pregnant?" ok it was more than a moment...i went and bought a pregnancy test. Seriously!

Turns out, nope wasn't pregnant...had just put on a little extra weight. No problem, just don't eat too much for the next couple of days and all will be well again...jump to six years later and a few margaritas...and I am WELL over my comfortable weight. Am I fat...no. But I am officially overweight. If you look at those charts...i am outside the guidelines.

I'd like to tell you that my metabolism is shot, and that it has nothing to do with the margaritas or the complete lack of exercise...but that isn't the truth.

So now, I have 7 weeks to get rid of some of this weight and learn how to run.

I say learn how to run, because I honestly don't know of a time in my life that I have really done anything remotely close to running. In PE class in high school...I walked. Any time i have decided to exercise..I walk. I get a gym membership and walk on the treadmill.

This people, is why I think I must have lost my mind. I realize that I can walk the 5k and there will be a bajillion other people that will walk it. But I have decided that if I am going to do this, I am REALLY going to do this.

NOW, I just have to figure out how to run without getting sharp stabbing pains in my stomach...hmmm I wonder what the almighty google says about that??

MaddiePie Creations

2009-07-26T22:40:00.002-05:00

It finally happened, I finally got the new website up and running.

Take a look and let me know what you think!

www.maddiepiecreations.com

Happiness

2009-07-21T14:22:00.002-05:00

A week or two ago Jasmine Star asked on her Facebook Fan Page if happiness was a choice. It was very interesting to read thru a lot of the comments left on that question. I personally do believe that happiness is a choice. I think that regardless of what happens in your life you can choose to sit around and wallow in your misery or you can pick yourself up and move on. I can choose to have a good day at work no matter how crappy a co-worker has been.

There are many days, and sometimes many times throughout a day, when I struggle with this concept. I hate how someone can stomp on my good mood and it will instantly knock me down. I hate that dwell on things. I would love to be able to shake it off and continue on down my happy little path. But the reality of it is...it's not really in me to have happiness be the automatic reaction. For whatever reason my family is very pessimistic...it runs deep. If there is one thing I would change about myself and how we all react to things that stand in our way, is that we would be more "glass half full" kind of people.

I thought today as I was walking down the hall, after someone ticked me off, I wonder just how many times a day someone rains on my parade. By the time I got back to my office all I could think about was the question of is happiness a choice... I was so focused in on how frustrated I was that I couldn't see past it. I have to force myself to let the little things go. To know that in the big scheme of things it just doesn't matter.

I have to believe that things will work out for the best. I may not always understand why things happen and why people say or do things, but there is a plan. There is a plan for my life and a reason for things happening the way the do. I just have to trust in that and know that it is completely in my control to be positive about everything.

Addiction

2009-07-17T08:45:00.002-05:00

I must confess to something...I have a pen addiction. It's bad...real bad.

If you know me REAL well, you will know that there are only a few things that make me happier than getting new pens. I have specific needs though...

It must be blue or purple
It must be fine point
It must feel good when I hold it
If it has post-it flags built in - that's an added bonus
If it has a high-lighter built in - WATCH OUT

I haven't been pen shopping in months. Usually, I will run into Staples or Office Depot just to scope out the pens. Target...oh watch out Target shoppers - i HEART their pens and office products. It doesn't matter what I am running to Target for. Out of toilet paper...must get a pen. Need a new shirt for the kids...oooohhhh let's see what pens they have today. Needs some milk...hmmm maybe i'll just swing by the office supply section.

But I have been good. I have really held out. I seriously haven't bought any new pens in so long. In fact, I have even broken a couple of my favorite pens and just taped them back together...how pathetic is that.

But yesterday I got the fever. I was sitting in a meeting and my boss flaunted her pen in front of me. As she talked to us, she waved it in the air...almost as if it was singing to me. She wrote pretty things with it...as if it were calling my name to try it out. When she got up to run to the restroom I thought long and hard about if she would notice if it were missing when she came back.

I figured she would notice...it was her only pen.

It's her fault...she shouldn't flaunt those things in front of me. I am not strong. I can no longer go without buying a new package of pens. This weekend...I will be the new owner of at least one new pen.

Now...off to go do some recon work to see if I can find out what kind it was....wish me luck!

I Heart Faces - Sports In Action

2009-07-13T08:52:00.003-05:00

This week I Heart Faces is taking a look at Sports In Action. I absolutely love to do photo shoots of kids playing sports. Soccer is probably my favorite because they are so intensely focused on getting to the ball and their bodies go into some pretty crazy shapes. Kids under 10 are my favorite because they have facial expressions like no other...

This little guy cracked me up throughout the entire game...He was completely full of life and had such a passion for the game.

Head over to I Heart Faces and take a look at some of the other entries.

I Heart Faces - Constructive Feedback Friday

2009-07-10T10:07:00.003-05:00

Today, I Heart Faces if giving the chance for the first 40 people to enter a chance to receive feedback from other contributers on a photo.

I am entering one from a family shoot I did recently. I really struggle with family pictures from posing all the way thru editing.

I am really looking forward to receiving the comments on how to improve.

(f/4.5, 1/60 sec, focal length 32, ISO 100, no flash)

All editing was done thru Photoshop CS3

so stinkin' excited!!

2009-07-08T10:54:00.002-05:00

I have a senior shoot booked for next weekend, a bridal shoot scheduled for the first weekend in August, and the possibility of another shoot just opened up...

The best news of all, is that I think I am going to be able to buy my new camera next week...WHOO HOO!!

Good things are coming...I can feel it. I have come across and in contact with so many amazing people in the last couple of months that I feel so blessed and so motivated that I seriously can barely contain myself. It's like I am right on the edge...I can see it, feel it, and taste it...Only good things are to come.

Been thinkin'

2009-07-06T14:49:00.002-05:00

Which, if you know me, you know can be a very scary thing.

However...I've been thinking about how I can jump with both feet into photography. Unfortunately, The Man and I are NOT in a position financially where I can quit my job and jump in with both feet...but what if I were to find a way to supplement my income...hmmm...

So, I have been toying with the idea of selling Pampered Chef. I LOVE love LOVE kitchen products...almost as much as I love pens. Really! I love them. I have cookbooks, mixing bowls, appliances - big and small, and all things kitchen coming out of my ears. I get so excited to get something new.

I went to a pampered chef party a few weeks ago and scheduled a party at my house...really just so I could get a good discount on MORE kitchen stuff. (note to self...need to clean out the cabinets and make room for the NEW stuff coming) Anyway, as I was reading all the materials for my upcoming party, and I noticed that for a mere $155 you can get the set that gets you up and running....hmmm that's not too bad, right? And I figure with my passion for kitchen products...surely I can sell it - I mean doesn't Pampered Chef pretty much sell itself?? It does for me.

So I'm thinking that if I can get this up and running and help supplement my income...maybe I can wean myself off of my fulltime job and do this and photography full time and then eventually just photography fulltime.

So I'm thinking....maybe just maybe.

Florida

2009-06-30T22:08:00.002-05:00

mommy card

2009-06-30T17:35:00.002-05:00

How much trouble can my kids get in to? I really and truly just want to give the mommy card back. The following is a smidgen of a pity party, so either close the window or just bare with me.

I realize kids are just going to be kids. I realize that kids push their limits. I realize that kids are just kids.

What I don't understand is why I cannot seem to make a difference. Why can't I get her to quit lying? Why can't I get him to make better choices? Why can't I get either of them to just not do the stupid stuff? Why can't i find a punishment to make an impact?

I am exhausted. Nothing I do seems to make a difference. So I ask other parents what they do when their kids screw up...apparently my kids are the only two that make retarded decisions.

So for right now, in this moment, i quit. i can't do this job, i can't teach them how to be good people and how to make good decisions. so i turn my mommy card back in.

tomorrow...maybe i'll try again

Someone's at the door...

2009-06-30T09:06:00.003-05:00

That is the text message I received from The Boy this morning. GREAT, JUST FREAKIN GREAT.

Let me back up a little for you.

We have scary neighbors living next door to us as of 5 months ago or so. I mean scary, like gotta be drug dealers or something scary. At first The Man told me I was paranoid, but suffice it to say I am now not the only one who thinks so. Our quiet little couldesac of 6 houses now is even quieter because no one lets their kids play out front and I think all the stay at home moms are now watching out their windows 24/7.

While we were out of town last week, one of the neighbors called the police due to the loud noises and high traffic late late at night. The scary neighbors left before the police arrived, maybe have a police scanner, and things got quieter at night. Now the high traffic and random people are showing up in the evenings.

Sidenote: If you know me, you know that i tend to worry a lot and have a very overactive imagination. But I really don't think that is the case here and neither do the neighbors we have spoken to.

The Man and I decide that with the increased traffic we need to talk to the kids and re-enforce the rules of staying home during the day by themselves and staying safe.
1. Don't answer the door for any reason - even if you know the person
2. Don't tell people on the phone that we aren't home. Tell them we are in the bathroom and we will call them back.
3. Do NOT go outside for any reason, front or back yard
4. Only call 911 if there is a TRUE emergency

So after lots of questions, The Boy getting a little freaked out and The Girl really not understanding the severity of the situation we send them on their way after promises to comply and promises that 911 will ONLY be called in the case of an emergency.

Fast forward to this morning...

I get to work at 8:15
I get a text message from the boy at 8:30 that says "someone is at the door"
WTH

I call The Boy and tell him not to answer the door and go to the window to see if he can see who is out there. In my mind I'm thinking several things:

1. How in the heck is this happening after we just had this conversation last night?
2. Why do I have to work so far away?
3. Who is out there?

He tells me it's a police car...HUH? What?? What do you mean a police car? OH GOD why do i have to work so far away.

I tell him I'm going to call the neighbors to have them go check it out and he is NOT to answer the door. He says, "um mom...I think The Girl may have called 911..." "well, she said she tried to call 811, but might have hit 911".

She gets on the phone and I ask her not so calmly why she would do that..."I was trying to call 811" Really??? I ask her why in the world she would do that. Tell her she has NO idea how much trouble she is in and to go upstairs to her room and I'll talk to her in a little bit.

In the meantime I have called the neighbors and he is out their talking to the police officer and "apparently" they received call from our house... Yeah, just freakin' great. So he gets on the phone to talk to me and I don't even really give him a chance to talk I just immediately start rambling "yeah, I am so sorry we just had a LONG conversation about the scary neighbors on the other side of us and told them that if they had an emergency they were to call 911 but only if it was an emergency and apparently she decided that maybe she needed to practice and again i really am sorry..."

and no, there was no punctuation in the rambling either...i'm not sure i ever took a breath.

He still wanted to talk to the kids to make sure they were ok so i told him I would call The Boy and let him know to go answer the door.

The police officer talks to the kids, not near as harsh as he should have been, and then he leaves. I tell The Boy to have The Girl call me from the home phone. I jumped all over her and then The Man called and got all over her too. She knows she is in LOTS of trouble now.

UGH- why is it so hard to understand that ONLY IN AN EMERGENCY really means just that.

Wonder how long before CPS shows up?

OH, and this was all over and done with before 9:00 am

Gentlemen

2009-06-29T12:49:00.002-05:00

True gentlemen are hard to come by...unless you live in Texas. I think that is one of my favorite things about living here. I love that men hold doors for me, say thank you, call me mam, and are just in general very kind.

However, if you (a man) are the last one to walk into a crowded elevator with your rolling briefcase and we are all getting off on the main floor, please do not just stand in the middle of the open doors and hold them open for the women who are standing at the BACK of the elevator. We can't get out with you in the way. I really appreciate that you are trying to let the ladies go first, but for the love of all things good, please get out of the way! Thank you though.

We're baaaaack

2009-06-29T10:23:00.003-05:00

Well we made it back from Florida. It was an eventful trip and really not too relazing. BUT we had a good time and lots of good memories were made. Here are the highlights of the trip:

1. The Girl got a stomach virus the day we got to the beach that lasted for 3 days.

2. I got in the ocean...without the full wetsuit Woot Woot!

3. The Boy LOVES to boogie board

4. Surf camp did not happen due to the stomach virus

5. Vacationing with the WHOLE family...well, it was an experience (that might not be repeated)

6. The Dolphin Cruise was great, such neat animals

7. I was a good girl and made sure we all used sunscreen, yes even me. A week at the beach and I did not burn, not even one time.

8. The Man is a cleaning machine when forced with the option of cleaning or sitting in a living cram packed with his family.

9. A week was not near long enough, I was so sad to leave the amazing water and sand.

10. I am already looking forward to going back next year with just us and the kids...maybe we should try CA next year???

I will upload some pictures tonight. We got the BIG family picture, of grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles. I think I got the picture I wanted of our family to go over our fireplace... what do you think? I can't quite decide if i like it or not... It doesn't look this blurry in the original format. click on it and see if it does when you make it bigger.

I am...

2009-06-17T16:12:00.001-05:00

Super Woooomannn, yes I am...yes she is.....

Alicia Keys - you know me well

I Heart Faces - giveaway

2009-06-17T10:19:00.003-05:00

I Heart Faces is an amazing site for photographers. They have a lot of really good resources...as well as some great give aways. Today, Kodak has partnered with them to give away a new Kodak ESP-9 All-In-One Printer...head over there and enter.

Wednesday funny

2009-06-17T09:46:00.003-05:00

Because today is Wednesday...and I only have 2 1/2 more days of work left before we head to the beach...I thought I would share a funny funny post from one of my favorites. Vodka Mom shared this list of what her kindergartners are NOT allowed to do now that they are in "big kid" school. She absolutely cracks me up and I love to check in on her to see what her life throws in her path.

Things we are not allowed to do now that we are in "big kid" school:

* We don’t give free massages during read-aloud.
* We don’t tickle other people.
* We don’t put our hands in our pants or anyone else’s pants.
* We don’t walk on the tables.
* We do not poop in our pants, cause that’s digustin’.
* We do not use potty words because they’re not propriate (We don’t even say pooh-pooh and we only say “p” when we are talking about the letter.)
* We do not walk backwards.
* We don’t get married in kindergarten.
* We do not punch each other in the head because your eyeball might pop out and bleed and that would be digusting.
* We do not pick our noses in school, only at home.

What REALLY cracks me up is that these things still apply to The Boy who will be going into 7th grade this year. Maybe I should post this in his room...

One of those moments

2009-06-15T21:04:00.002-05:00

have you ever had one of THOSE moments? One of those moments when you know that He is watching out for you? One of those moments that had it been any other day...it wouldn't have turned out so well?

Today...was one of those moments. As I watched the vehicle fall off the bridge directly in front of my car, and new that I had time to stop...time to not hit him, time to not get hit from behind, and time to just sit and breathe.

thank you, thank you for watching over me, thank you for keeping me safe, thank you for allowing me to get home safely to this crazy wonderful family.

OY

2009-06-11T16:24:00.001-05:00

What a day!

Heaven

2009-06-10T12:43:00.004-05:00

I remember as a little girl wondering what Heaven was like. I have read what it tells me in the Bible, but in my minds eye...I see something different. I remember watching the movie Ghost and wondering if that was what it was like to die.

OK, wait. I swear this is not a morbid post.

Anyway, I wondered if I would be able to "know" I was in Heaven...like I "know" I am sitting here at my desk typing. Would it feel like this? Would I be aware that I was no longer with my family and friends and that I was walking down streets of gold?

Does any of this make sense?

Then several years ago I watched the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. That was it! That is what I want my Heaven to look like. From time to time this movie comes back into my mind and I picture how peaceful his Heaven was. How beautiful it was. The scenes where he is on the steps and there are angels and people floating around and kids playing...it is so amazing to me. That is what I hope Heaven is like. I love that he is aware of his surroundings, just as he was when he was alive.

What is your heaven like?

summer day

2009-06-06T15:53:00.002-05:00

Beautiful summer day, waiting on friends to get here, fruit salsa chilling, cape cod in my hand, kids getting along in the pool, The Man trying to make new grill work, music cranking in the background...couldn't be a better day.

Beach in exactly two weeks.

Step Ladder

2009-06-05T13:16:00.003-05:00

I have struggled with the pictures that people are laying down in the grass and are shot from above...I need a step ladder. I am too short to get the right perspective. Hmmm gonna have to add that to my list.

my words

2009-06-04T10:49:00.002-05:00

Several years ago someone told me that I was cynical. I didn't really know what it meant at the time, but it surely wasn't a good thing. Today I see it very clearly, and I'm not still not sure it's a good thing. I think of myself as a very brutally honest person. Don't ask me my opinion if you don't want to know what I REALLY think. My intention is to never hurt anyone, but if you ask me, you can be certain that you will get how I really feel about it.

I am also a fixer. I NEED to fix things. If you come to me with a problem, I will immediately start brainstorming with you to see how we can best fix this problem. I don't want to sit around and wallow in it with you, because...well...that isn't going to change the situation.

These two things combined have gotten me into trouble over the last year. If you know me, you know that what I say may come out harsh...but you should also know that I would never ever say something to hurt you.

My best friend in the whole wide world just wrote to me yesterday to tell me that some things that I had said the last time we were together really hurt her. I can't say that she shouldn't be hurt, because those are her feelings. What I am frustrated by is that she didn't say anything to me for 6 months about it. Now the damage might be beyond repair.

I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be. I surely am not the only person who says things that come across as hurtful. I know plenty of people have hurt my feelings with their words.

But I don't play games. If I am upset with you over something you said, I know that I have two choices. 1. I can be mad/sad or whatever and confront you about it. Ask why you said what you said and try to understand. OR 2. I can be hurt, know that you have things going on in your life and you possibly didn't mean it the way I perceived it.

I have forgiven people over and over again for words that have hurt me. I continue to try to build on friendships that are long lasting...even though they may not value me in the same way. I do not have enough friends...and I sure don't have any that I can just throw away. Really, can you ever have too many friends. Each person in my life is there for a reason. We may not always be in the same place on our "road" but I still think that every person in my life has contributed to who I am and the person that I continue to grow into.

I think that I expect too much out of people. I expect things...relationships...to be a two way road. Give and Take. I expect that if I listen to your problems and be there for you...you will in turn do that for me. However, I have found that when I am ready to talk to someone...my voice can't be heard. I love being the person that people feel as though they can talk to. And honestly, I probably won't talk about my problems too often...I hate to cry and be vulnerable and I hate to complain. But sometimes, I really just need someone to stop and ask me how I am doing... and really want to hear the answer. Sometimes I need someone to help me brainstorm on the best solution.

I also want those that call themselves friends to be grown up about situations. If I say something that comes across as harsh...or not nice...dammit, I want you to ask me about it. If you know me, you know I would not intentionally hurt your feelings. The more likely situation is that what I was thinking at the time just didn't come out right. Give me the chance to explain what my thoughts were behind the words.

Believe in our friendship enough to know that I love you and I would never want the friendship to suffer...because of what I have said.

I am sorry and I am heartbroken that I have caused someone else to hurt.

New camera

2009-06-03T14:09:00.002-05:00

Well...I think i'm going to start saving for a new camera. I was going to save for a new lens, but I think I need to upgrade to a camera that is not so basic. ugh...that's a lot to save up for.

Fun in the sun

2009-06-02T08:28:00.002-05:00

Florida is only three weeks away...just making sure we are going to be ready. :)

What a weekend

2009-06-01T09:48:00.002-05:00

I seriously have so much to do and get done, and just didn't have the time for it this weekend either. This weekend was one heck of a weekend.

The Boy finished his baseball season, their team took second place. Woo Hoo!! I am really proud of him. He really doesn't have a passion for it, but he stuck with it. He thinks he wants to play again next year, but we will see. He had his band concert last week and let me tell you...he ROCKED the trombone. He got a 1 on his solo contest and a 1 in their band competition. He loves it. He has finished the school year a little lazy with his grades, but overall, he had a GREAT year.

The Girl finished her soccer season and her softball season this weekend as well. Her softball team took second place and her soccer team took 1st. She still constantly amazes me at how little she has to work at sports. She finished the school year with straight A's. She is so tickled with herself. Yesterday was her end of season soccer party, and truth be told...it was a little sad. The team is breaking up and The Girl has decided that she will stop playing soccer and focus on softball and cheer.

It is sad, because I love to watch both of my kids play soccer. It is what they know, what they are passionate about, what they are great at. But they are spreading their wings and looking at other opportunities.

Last week was full of so much drama, that I am praying for a quiet, peaceful week this week.

Summer vacation is only three short weeks away. My goal is to walk 2-4 miles every day between now and the day we leave. I got in a swim suit yesterday...ugh it was gross. Thank goodness I had a tankini and didn't have to show all my glory to everyone. Surely, if I walk everyday and cut out all the carbs...well not all of them, because I don't do good on the Atkins diet, but let's just say the breads and the potatoes, surely i can loose some of the weight needed. I would really just like for my stupid thighs to not touch when i walk. Maybe i'll add in some stairs at work during the day. Oh, i'll just google what the best way is. Gotta love the almighty google.

Kids....hilarious

2009-05-29T15:34:00.002-05:00

...for a different kind of girl posted this today. Had me cracking up! you may have to scroll to the top when you open it up. I love a child's mind.

and I really love a mother's sense of humor

The Ocean

2009-05-29T09:11:00.004-05:00

So...if you know me, you know I am the BIGGEST sissy you will ever meet in your life. I am terrified of bugs, and well just all things that are yucky. Last year we took the kids to Coco Beach for the day before we headed back from our Disney trip. I was completey terrified of the little yellow crabs that live in the sand and keep popping up. I really can't even describe to you the feeling I had inside while watching these things literally come out of nowhere. I wouldn't get in the ocean because I was scared of the fish swimming around and jellyfish that The Man kept telling me about.

And now we are going for a whole week. I am excited for the trip, but absolutely terrified of the ocean and all the things in it. So i have found a solution. Ready??

Yep...I'm going to find me a wet suit. That way...I can't FEEL anything as it swims by me. And as for the crabs in the sand. I'm going to get a beach chair that is up off the ground.

24 days and counting

2009-05-27T10:26:00.002-05:00

The beach is just ahead...I can almost feel it. 24 days until we leave for the beach. I am so excited to spend a week with nothing that we HAVE to do. Just have fun and be a family. I am consumed with a million thoughts for pictures to take. I have decided that I am going to focus on getting a good sillouette picture at sunset for over our mantle. Several of the blogs I follow have been talking about printing pictures on canvas and I am COMPLETELY in love with that idea. I cannot tell you how excited I am.

Sports are ALMOST over. We are so close. This is the final week and boy are we going out with a bang. Last night The Boy had a choir concert and had to miss the baseball game, which actually got cancelled due to the weather. Tonight he has a baseball game at 8. Tomorrow he has a band concert at 6. I think there is something Friday, but I have NO idea what it is. Saturday we have a softball trophy parade thingy and a soccer game. Sunday we have a soccer game and after season party. See...I'm exhausted just writing it all down.

OK, back to work. Still hectic, a little stressful, but still SO much better than the previous place.

Stress

2009-05-22T15:17:00.002-05:00

Stress is a funny thing. I will be the first person to tell you, I spend most of my days stressed out. Stressed about things that matter and a lot of stuff that doesn't. I stress over my stress. But recently, I got out of a bad situation at work and have a great vacation to look forward to. I actually feel relatively un-stressed. But my body tells me otherwise. The last three days have been miserable, physically. I have had 3 cold sores, the skin on my face has hurt, a headache that won't go away, and a super sharp stabbing pain in my right ear and right side of my head. It's been very uncomfortable but I have really tried to not say too much. I am tired of hearing myself complain, I can only imagine what The Man thinks everytime I complain about something new hurting.

I am also one of the WORST people about going to the dr. But today as I sat at my desk and just wanted to cry because the pain in my ear was unbearable, I thought "this is stupid, just go to the dr and get some medicine, you obviously have an ear infection". So I called and they were able to get me in today (yeah!). Apparently the virus that causes the cold sores lives in your nerve endings and is exacerbated by stress and fatigue. All the other stuff, the skin, the stabbing pains...all that is connected. It is just my nerve endings in my face and head freakin' out a little bit.

The funny thing is...I really don't feel that stressed out. Really! Maybe it is a lasting effect from the job i just left??? Who knows.

Fortunately, we don't have too much going on this weekend so I think I'm just going to focus on homework and getting the house cleaned. There is nothing else that HAS to be done. Next week...now that's a different story altogether.

Ice Pick

2009-05-22T09:33:00.001-05:00

Will someone PLEASE pull the flippin' icepick out of the side of my head. 3 days...really? who has a headache like this for three flippin' days?